As you can see (twice) above, these are the Mid-Season Power Rankings, brought you by Mrs. Dash. “Mrs. Dash: now THERE’S some mid seasoning!” Mid-Season, “mid season”. Get it? Thank you. If you got it, thank you. Just for the record, this isn’t really brought to you by Mrs. Dash. It was supposed to be but things got, frankly speaking, unprofessional. We approached their marketing team with that pitch and the “mid seasoning” line and they went berserk. They ganged up on us in the conference room and group farted on my assistant, Maxmillion Bathsheba Leonidas (henceforth “Maxy”). Anyway, yeah I have a lion/human DNA-spliced hybrid being as an assistant. If you’ve ever come here through Twitter you’ve likely seen a few artistic renderings of his exploits so far this season. But Maxy basically helps me keep pace with some of the more labor intensive aspects of running the world’s foremost gridiron football blog (this one). Long story short: we’re pitching this “mid seasoning” idea to those jerks at Mrs. Dash, thinking they’d have a sense of humor about their green-tinged ice-melt-salt-and-fairy-moltings-ass seasoning. They did not have a sense of humor about it. At all. They pinned Maxy in a corner and somehow all executed nine quite forceful farts simultaneously on various parts of his fetal-positioned body. I said, “What the hell’s that about?” and the leader quipped back, “You have no idea what kind of power a liberal application of Commander — sorry, Mrs. — Dash can bestow upon you. Begone now, mortals.” So we got up and left, Maxy smelling like a Sunday morning college blanket. It was one of the more unpleasant meetings I’ve attended. I discussed my feelings briefly with Maxy after he recovered and we agreed the column should run anyway, no sponsor. Besides, as Maxy is fond of saying, with all our subscribers and benefactors, we can roll free columns “more than I roll in huge piles of catnip reeeeooowwwwwrrrr.” He’ll meow and roar sometimes. It’s fun. On to the Rankings.
Not gonna comment on all these teams. Only a little if they’re mid. Probably not at all on the awful ones.
The Get ‘Em Next Years (Nos. 32-26)
Cardinals (1-8), Panthers (1-8), Giants (2-7) — Have fun out there, guys!
Patriots (2-7) — Who cares, really? They’ve enjoyed several lifetimes’s worth of football glory over the past two decades. They stink, BillBeli seems to have lost a step, they’re barely worth discussing beyond which college QB they’ll replace Mac with.
Bears (2-7), Packers (3-5), Commanders (4-5) — These teams can play spoiler to division rivals. That’s their ceiling this season. Take it from someone whose team has often been that way: you can still have a little fun.
The Faintest Hope-Havers (Nos. 25-19)
Rams (3-6) — Maybe the offense suddenly comes crazy alive despite their not-so-hot O-Line. Other than that, their goose is cooked. This team feels remarkably similar to a Stafford-led Lions team.
Titans (3-5) — I don’t care.
Buccaneers (3-5), Broncos (3-5) — I don’t care about either, the Bucs might still come out of the South. But even if they make the playoffs as division winners I expect a home loss.
Colts (4-5) — An inconsistent team staying afloat on (seemingly) good vibes and parity. I don’t think Minshew is good enough to carry a team into this year’s AFC playoff field. They should take pride in showing this roster can contend and focus on building around Anthony Richardson’s considerable strengths for his return next year.
Falcons (4-5) — Don’t care. Don’t see it happening.
Jets (4-4) — Coug-Huntin’ Zach and the fact that Saleh is sticking with him are incredible to me. This team is really, really solid, if not great. And the goose egg they get every week from under center is pretty much solely responsible for them not being legit Lombardi contenders (henceforth Lombardtenders). They’ve also used up a lot of luck already this season, but maybe it’s a big well of luck. Their fans deserve an award this season for their steadfast response to Rodgers’s injury and the implications it had on their chances.
The Glass Still Half Full Long Shots (Nos. 18-12)
Raiders (4-5) — Maybe Antonio Pierce will not only imbue the team with New Coach vim & vigor, but maybe he’s actually a good coach? Who knows? It’s November and the season’s not over, which is a big improvement from where they were mid-October. They have stuff on which to build.
Chargers (4-4) — I’ll talk about them below. In short: they’re better than their record indicates but there are a lot of solid teams vying for those AFC Wild Card spots. They’ll need to go on a hot streak.
Texans (4-4) — It’s a nice story for the start of the season, but I think most predictions say that C.J. Stroud can’t keep this up. Maybe that works in their favor, they seem to have a knack for late-game moxie when most hope looks lost. Maybe that trend extrapolates to their season as a whole and they maintain their challenge for a wild-card spot. A division title isn’t totally out of the question either. But a fade down the stretch seems at least equally as likely. Rookies abound. If they can keep going the way they have been, kudos to them.
Saints (5-4) — I think they can be so much better than the results they’ve turned in so far. I’ve always liked Carr, I hope he gets at least one more chance to win on the big stage.
Vikings (5-4) — The Cousins injury was such a bummer, but can the fanbase alchemize that misery into a nice Josh Dobbs story? Crazier things have happened. Dobbs is better than what you picture when you think “journeyman”. They’ll play the Lions tough, tell ya that.
Browns (5-3) — This team’s fate rests on its quarterback. That’s a leitmotif you see pretty frequently in football. Yes, it’s clichéd, but only because it’s so often true (and I’m gonna say it several more times over the duration of this column, so get used to it). If Deshaun Watson is in great form, this team might be able to beat anybody. Their monster deef gives them a puncher’s chance in any game. It just remains to be seen if Watson can land his haymakers. He hasn’t looked good in a really long time. It’s difficult to envision him reaching the level of play he once did.
Steelers (5-3) — I can’t speak on this team authoritatively. They look like completely different teams multiple times within the same game. I’ve seen this several times. Pickett might be the final-form crapshoot QB. Almost everyone else who isn’t T.J. Watt is superlatively inconsistent. But then Tomlin wields this madness with his trademark aplomb and seemingly wills them to odd victories. Whatever works, they’re 5-3. But I think they need to get a lot better if they want to feel like their chances are serious.
The Flawed But Still Quite Confident (Nos. 11-9)
Seahawks (5-3) — Jim Rome exclusively refers to Pete Carroll “The Gum Murderer” and I love it. Gum Murderer can still wield his magic, and I think the Hawks have the potential to maybe even sneak away with their division. Certainly they’ll be in the thick of the wild-card chase. I don’t think anyone is psyched to see the Seahawks on their schedule. But, again, it’s QB play. They go as far as Geno does.
Cowboys (5-3) — The ‘Boys seem to be the NFC’s Dolphins. They can physically do it, but they don’t seem to have the mental mettle to get the job done when the stakes feel highest.
Bills (5-4) — I feel bad for our curse of Lake Erie brethren. Defensive injuries may be putting a hard ceiling of what looks like it could’ve been a special season. The AFC’s top dawgs are slightly less vicious this year, Allen and the O occasionally look unstoppable, the good vibes still remain. If they don’t win it all this year, 99% can be blamed on injuries. That sucks.
The Almost Complete Contenders (Nos. 8-4)
Bengals (5-3) — If Burrow’s truly back from his injury and at full efficacy the rest of the season, they’ll be an incredibly tough out in the playoffs. Their Achilles heel seems to be that the start of games loom super important to their ultimate results. If you jump all over them early they don’t seem to be the most resilient team. Also, the more math-minded see the Bengal defense having a slightly less lucky latter half of the season, turnover-wise. Even if that’s the case, this team’s fate rests in the quality of play from Burrow & Chase and the O.
Dolphins (6-3) — The Dolphins have been figured out. They trounce the teams to which they’re clearly superior, they flinch when they play their equals or betters. That’s it. They are physically capable of winning it all, but they have a lot of work to do mentally. Feels like the ’86-’87 Pistons team to me: they have all the tools but they’ll slightly self-destruct when the chips are really down.
Jaguars (6-2) — They’re in a good spot and leading a division they were favored to win, but I think there’s still some serious upside with this team. Lawrence has only been solid, not spectacular. If he gets going their offense goes from solid to very dangerous. Also, their defense has been carrying the day even though they haven’t really been fully healthy yet this season. If injury luck and Lawrence improvement break right for them there’s every possibility they could win the conference.
Niners (5-3) — The picture on this team will be so much clearer after their ninth game. Let’s see how they took the bye week and responded to the recent slide. As it stands, the defense is still fast and sure-tackling. They have talented backs and receivers, good lines and a smart coach. I think Purdy will settle down and get back to his steady output. They have some big games between now and Christmas, plenty of opportunities to get some high-stakes rep and get Brock some more seasoning.
Lions (6-2) — If healthy and playing their best, they can take almost anybody. How will they respond to the mental pressure that comes with early-season success? Should be a fun second half.
Heavyweights But Not The Hilarious Movie, The Boxing Term (Nos. 3-1)
Ravens (7-2) — They have some of the most impressive wins of any team this season and in the coming weeks they’ll get opportunities to bolster those cap feathers with a pretty tough stretch of games (Browns, Niners, Dolphs, Jags, Bengals). But what else is there to say? They look incredibly tough on both sides of the ball, they’re very fast. The only things that gives me pause is the timing. Are they peaking? Are they due for a step back à la the Niners? If they can avoid that slide, there’s no reason they wouldn’t be the betting favorite at season’s end.
Chiefs (7-2) — That their defense has been more largely responsible for their success should terrify their potential playoff opponents. Mahomes and Co. will figure it out, of that I’m almost certain. If the defense keeps up its terrific play, they’ll be an incredibly hard out. Especially at Arrowhead. It’s the intangibles of poise and experience that make me give them a slight edge over B’more.
Eagles (8-1) — They’re not invincible, but they have the chesty confidence of winners and men-on-a-mission more than anyone in the league. The secondary seems a little overmatched on the rare occasion their pass rush doesn’t get home, but they find ways to win. Hurts-to-Brown is pretty terrific, and if defenses focus on that too much they have enough other good options to take advantage. They have the best record for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see how they handle their upcoming gauntlet.
LIONS v. CHARGERS — BEVERLY HILLS COP MULTIPLIED by ~50
There are a lot of things to like about the Lions (-3) this week. Coming off a well-timed bye week with a coaching staff that seems to know how to use the bye week, the Lions appear as healthy and rested as they have since the beginning of the season. Ragnow and Jonah Jackson are back, though Graham Glasgow looks like he’ll (deservedly) keep his starting role too. Let’s not forget our underrated move at the trade deadline. I’ve had my eye on Donovan Peoples-Jones ever since he was a Cass Tech Technician. I was bummed when he went chose to play football for UofM because I knew they wouldn’t get the most out of him. At the time, and historically, Michigan State does a better job of developing receivers into the next level than Michigan. But still, loved the guy’s game and feel like he still has true game-changing potential if only the right team could unlock it. I think the Lions are that team! Between the way Sun God, The Wiz and The Door can work the inside of the field, the attention commanded by Jamo’s speed and the getting-open knackery of Josh Reynolds, Peoples-Jones (henceforth Donny or Donny Peep-J) should see a pretty solid amount of single coverage. He’s fairly tall and good for the athletic catch or two. Stated that way, it seems like a relative slam-dunk that he’ll develop a good rapport with the Goffmeister, who can be very accurate in a clean pocket and throw balls where only Donny can make the grab. I think it was a shrewd addition by Holmes, even if our receiver room suddenly seems slightly crowded. The depth that’s there now can pay dividends come January. But for all this to work, we need to keep that pocket clean for the Jare-Bear.
There’s the rub: I believe only thing that can throw a monkey wrench in the Lions’s designs on victory this Sunday in L.A.: the Chargers getting a superhuman effort from their front seven and harassing Goff into enough mistakes that we come up short in a shootout. Our defense is solid, but I get the feeling the Chargers are on the cusp of a mild offensive groove at the moment. I don’t think we’re gonna hold them to an especially low score. Obviously, with a presumed onus on the offense, we’ll need to be sharp for several consecutive drives when we have the ball and (importantly) avoid those 10-to-15-minute-long lulls where we just look lost on offense. Some of that is BenJo. BenJo, as great as he can be, hasn’t put together an entire game of great play-calling yet. There’s always been at least two to four head-scratchers. If he can stay in his rhythm and keep the Charger deef off-balance, the Lions will win this game comfortably in front of what should be a very pro-Lions crowd. It’s getting late-autumn chilly here, and those who can afford the trip will be relishing a roadie in L.A. probably more than any other NFL city.
I think the Lions get it done. These are the type of game circumstances (Taking Care of Business game against a 6-day rested opponent, off a bye week, long roadie) that excellent franchises take in stride and turn into wins anyway. I think Campbell recognizes the meta-game here and knows that if we want to keep our outside chance at the 1-seed alive, these are the types of games we have to win. A lot of pundit and talking head hay has been made out of the perceived ease in the Lions’s remaining schedule, and by the same token, the presumably brutal slate of games awaiting the Eagles in the next month and change. Ostensibly, what they say makes sense. But in this long slog of a season, the constantly kinda-high pressure can get to teams. These Eagles have a track record of withstanding, even excelling in, these scenarios. As promising as the Leos have been, we’re in uncharted waters here. Vying to keep pace with (or, Heaven help us, overtake) a conference leader for a pre-playoff bye; it sincerely feels absurd to even be entertaining the notion. And it is. There’s a lot of season left. The Vikings clearly aren’t giving up and they’ve generated for themselves as much positive mojo as almost anyone right now. I’m getting off-topic. I’m taking the Lions and laying the points.
WEEK TEN GAMES THAT ARE NEAT-O
Niners (-3) @ Jaguars — Two teams for which I saw greatness in the season preview. I think the Niners bounce back from the slide and I’m banking on them doing a good mental reset on their bye week. Gimme those Niners and keep your three.
Browns (+6.5) @ Ravens — I think the division rivalry-ness of this game keeps it close, and I see the Browns rising to the occasion, maybe even winning outright. I think their defense travels and Schwartz will welcome the chance to bottle up John Harbaugh because he hates Jim Harbaugh. He’s good at taking that personal stuff and making his defense play like maniacs. Browns keep it close, at least.
Texans (+6.5) @ Bengals — I almost convinced myself to pick the Texans here because there’s a little to like about DeMeco Ryan’s chances to crack the Bengal O, but I pick games like a guy watching a craps table. And Joey B’s got the hot hand. Let’s take the Bengals to cover by at least a touchie.
Giants (+17.5) @ Cowboys — This is my once-per-season “You Wanna Get Nuts? LET’S GET NUTS!” Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne pick. The Giants were really bad even with their first-stringers and full effort. This is a much lesser team that that. And the Cowboys aren’t gonna take it easy or whatever on a division rival in a bitter division like the NFC East. They’re gonna score a bunch. Take out some frustration. Try to find a rhythm and build confidence for the second half. Take those Cowboys minus that gigantic spread. Have some fun out there.
Hope you enjoyed this Power Rankings & Picks column. Back later this week for a Running Diary for the afternoon kickoff against the Chargers. Auf Wiedersehen!
