I sing to myself when I do chores. Probably has something to do with growing up sans siblings. I’m in no rush to analyze it. I sing to myself and it’s almost never the real lyrics. I’ll just spout nonsense or fashion some lyrics into inane comments on whatever situation’s at hand. Is this insane? Don’t care, I like doing it.
Sometimes it’ll just be the hook of a Top 40 hit. On one occasion, to the tune of the refrain in The Human League’s ‘Don’t You Want Me’ I sang the words “Michael’s got some new jeans. Don’t they look cool? Fuuuuuck yeah.” The jeans were fine, but that song made me like them way more.
Sometimes I’ll sing weird lyrics to old standards, even sea shanties. For example, instead of “What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor?”, I might find myself bellowing out, “What Do You Do with a Heavy Fav’rite?” Matching the meter is the most important thing so I really cut off the “o” and say “fav’rite”. As you can probably surmise from this bizarre screed, the Lions being a heavy favorite makes me nervous, even if the large spread (10 at press time) seems well reasoned. The question of what to do with a heavy fav’rite is literal but the shanty exercise just by itself helps alleviate some of the anxiety. Heavy favorite anxiety, as a Lions fan, is quite an unfamiliar feeling.
LIONS v. PANTHERS — CATFIGHT (but said in the funny way Kramer said catfight in that one ‘Seinfeld’ where Elaine got into a catfight with the late Raquel Welch)
The Panthers have not played very well so far this season. I’ve won wagers against them. And I’m a middling wagerer at best. They’re in an obvious rebuilding year with a rook QB, but even when you factor in that grace they still look pretty bad. Detroit’s second-string defense handled a lot of their offensive starters when they lined up opposite each other the final week of preseason. Since then, we’ve improved. I don’t think they’ve improved as much. And in this go ’round we’ll obviously be playing our primo personnel. As I’ve stated before, this Lions team is capable of some bad play, but they’re too disciplined and seasoned to play terrible all game long. One thing that strikes me as odd is this game’s over/under: 44.5. With a ten point spread, does that mean Vegas (the gambling synecdoche, not the Raiders) decided their most enticing prediction would be somewhere around Detroit 27, Carolina 17? I can see us scoring that many. If I’m being honest, I expect the Lions to score more than that. And the way our defense gets after the QB I don’t think Carolina gets above 17. It appears I just thought-painted myself into a pick corner. So be it. We’re gonna take the Lions minus the biggest spread I can remember them having in a very, very long time. Just so we’re clear, this publication’s Official Anxiety Song for the Week Five tilt is as follows:
What do you do with a heavy fav’rite? What do you do with a heavy fav’rite? What do you do with a heavy fav’rite? Bet them and be nervous. Weigh heigh ‘n’ up she rises, weigh heigh ‘n’ up she rises, weigh heigh ‘n’ up she rises! Please don’t play too badly.
Good. That oughta take care of that. Being almost completely clueless about luck, this admission of game pick fear and the performance of sing-song folly in that fear’s face ironically gives me boatloads (pun soggily intended) of confidence. Gimme them Lions!
WEEK FIVE GAMES WORTH A GANDER
Texans (+1.5) @ Falcons — I was wrong about the Texans. I assumed their inexperience in key spots and overall youth would naturally engender inconsistency from week to week. And I didn’t believe in C.J. Stroud. So far I’m quite wrong on both counts. Even though the Steelers aren’t up to their usual standard, Houston’s triumph over them last week was impressive. Stroud looks very relaxed and confident. And that’s just in the pocket. He uses his running ability in the ideal way, which is to say as an effective creation-from-escape option, not a primary weapon. There’s a lot to like about this kid. And I expect DeMeco Ryans to hamper the Falcons just enough to eke out a win. If they’re giving us points, we’ll take candy paint Houston in a close one.
Bengals (-3) @ Cardinals — This boils down to the fact that I don’t believe Cinci is this bad. Their poor record can legitimately be 90% blamed on an injury to Joe Burrow’s calf; aside from their early desperation as a motivator, Burrow himself has stated his calf feels much better this week. There are several league-elite players on the Bengals. There are fewer on the Cardinals. I think the Cardinals are staying afloat (more boat references, it’s a boat-heavy week) on foggy pluck and I don’t expect that to hold. If getting this pick wrong means I’m grossly misjudging Josh Dobbs, so be it. The long road trip and a day in dry heat will augment their focus and the Bengals will get right in the desert.
Eagles (-4) @ Rams — The Eagles are on the cusp of kicking things up a notch. I think they’re due for a dominant performance like the Niners and ‘Boys had in Week One. They haven’t yet had a wire-to-wire kick-ass performance yet but I see it this week.The return of Cooper Kupp makes that particular prediction feel a bit dicey, but Stafford looked thoroughly whupped after toughing out that W in Indy. A concrete trend this season that definitely applies to this and the previously listed game: NFL teams have figured out how to alchemize road game settings into better performances from the boys. Good teams on the road seem to play more cohesively. They also seem to feel positive pressure instead of negative stress. There’s a spitefulness in spoiling a home crowd’s time that NFL teams seem to enjoy. With regard to this game: it’s an L.A. roadie, so the Eagles’ll get that roadie bump but there’s also gonna be a fair amount of Philly transplants and travelers in the stands. Hurts gets into a groove and spreads the ball around to his arguably league-best backs and receivers. The Philly D-Line wreaks speedy havoc on a less-than-pristine Stafford and questionable O-Line. Hollywood is Sly Stallone, Philly is Rocky. Let’s lay the cuatro and soar on the wings of Eagles.
Cowboys (+3.5) @ Niners — The Cowboys just don’t have the horses (‘nother pun intended) to hang with the Niners. How are they gonna put up a lot of points? Tony Pollard is good but he can’t carry the day. Dak is still Kirk Cousins-esque. That’s not gonna fly against this defense. And Shanahan can plan so many ways to keep his impressive offensive personnel running away from Micah Parsons. The Niners will be up for this statement game against a Cowboys team that dares to fancy themselves on equal footing.
BONUS MONDAY NIGHT PICK: Packers (+1) @ Raiders — The Packers lost by 14 to the Lions, but that was against the Lions playing 3 quarters of their A game. The Packer are not as inept as that game made them look. Ten days of rest and their emotional rebound, combined with the home-on-the-road, best-of-both-worlds environment (similar to the Eagles in L.A.) they’ll experience in Las Vegas makes it feel like we should take the point and feel the Love. Let’s take the Pack to get back over .500.
Last week saw us go 2-3-0 and I may have gotten upset at Paddy Mahomes for not taking that late left-side run into a wide-open end zone, but whaddyagonnado. For the season we’re sailing 14-6-0, fully adrift on the rogue waves of luck, where one moment’s maelstrom is the next minute’s calm seas.
I thank you kindly for reading this week’s Previews & Picks column, sponsored by Disney+. What to say about our very real sponsor Disney+?… Ooh! The first season of “Ahsoka” just ended! And it caused my first foray into that weird adult world of, “I guess it was pretty cool but I wasn’t 100% sure what everyone’s deal was.” So, yeah. Disney+. Feel the magic. Check back here Sunday or Monday (probably Sunday) to digest what’s sure to be a feverish Running Diary of the double-dij fave (good gravy!) Lions and their efforts to put the hurt on some Panthers. Auf Wiedersehen!
