I’m not managing my time well. My half-bungling of life’s circumstances is preventing me from writing more. But I’m still getting the picks in. I think I’ll be able to bring more heat next week. Until then…
WEEK SIX PICKS: CAN YOU TEACH ME ‘BOUT TOMORROW
Last Week: 2-3-0, Season: 14-11-0, Lifetime: 69-41-3
Texans (-6.5) @ Patriots — For over two seasons now, I’ve failed to understand the Texans. They lose when I pick ’em, win when I go against them. I’m gonna figure them out. But this week, I might be giving them the reverse-reverse jinx boost. Collins out, Mixon still a bit ginger against a deceptively decent New England run deef, plus I like the energy the Pats will play with during the Drake Maye debut. Let’s take the Pats.
Cardinals (+5.5) @ Packers — I’m just gonna say it: NFC North owns the West this year. Packers didn’t even play well and covered against LA not too long ago. Every single one of the Lions’s wins has come against the West. I think that trend continues. This line’s a smidge too small for it being in Lambeau. Let’s leap to a W and go Cheeseheads again.
Chargers (-3) @ Broncos — This matchup looks sloppy before it even begins, with both sides missing some key guys and the players that are available being slightly hobbled. Conventional wisdom would say, “Then take the points, dummy.” But I think the force of nature that is Harbaugh the Lesser wields greater power than conventional wisdom. A strong road W against a coach who already has a Lombardi feels very much like it’s on the Jim Harbaugh checklist. Let’s punt the points and take the Chargers.
Steelers (-3) @ Raiders — I failed last week’s ’70s marquee matchup when I picked the Steelers against the Boys. But the Steelers biffed that game. They win that thing 8 out of 10 time (4 out of 5 if you’re that particular brand of annoying). I’m doubling down on them in the ’70s marquee repeat. The Raiders can’t stop the run, and the Steelers use run to set up everything else. Plus, the vibes coming out of Raiderville are just awful. Their star player and leader is just openly behaving like, “Please let me leave and play football pretty much anywhere that isn’t here.” These are the games Tomlin wins that ultimately keep his non-losing season streak alive. Steelers. Yuengling.
Lions (-3) @ Cowboys — Not much needs to be said here. We play in Dallas, for I think the 5th out of the last 6 times we play them. The NFL is constantly boning the Lions in this matchup. I’ll believe until the day I die that the 2014 Lions had the horses to challenge for a championship but Dean-o Blandino and the ref mafia colluded in support of those damned Cowboys and their ubiquitous b.s. People are saying this is a revenge game because of the Skipper eligibility imbroglio last year. They’re half right. This is a revenge game but it’s like a decade in the making. We’re going to destroy the Cowboys. We’re refreshed. And Campbell will have the Lions razor-sharp. Johnson’s figured out the right mix to optimize the offense, and the complementary football that is becoming our trademark will flourish in this nationally-broadcast game. It’s Week Six, but this will be the nation’s official notice of, “Oh yeah, the Lions are actually quite good again.” Gimme my Leos. Take those 3 points and run out of electricity when it snows 2 inches. Chumps.
Got a little fiery there at the end. I don’t like the Cowboys. In fact, I dislike them at a level about 80% as profound as how deeply I love the Lions. I want us to massacre them. I’m gonna do a little meditation before game time because I’m not able to hold in this vitriol without feeling a little queasy after a while. Emperor Palpatine-level hatred is a young man’s game when it comes to sports rooting interests. With that in mind, have yourselves a calm and peaceful Sunday and enjoy what looks like a fun slate of games. Go Lions! And, of course, Auf Wiedersehen!
