20:07 EDT — The first of two Thursday games against the Packers! Live on Amazon Prime Video (full disclosure: this website features a weekly column sponsored by Disney+). Not much time for pregame preamble, as I’m a “Jeopardy!” man. Let’s go quickly. 1) Al and Kirky Herb seem to be in fine form, doing the announcing world’s typical kow-tow to the Packers’s history but also mentioning that the Lions aren’t a bunch of punks. 2) Minimum snackage tonight; a big ol’ mug of French-pressed coffee and a chocolate chip cookie. 3) This game is for early control of the division and a large statistical edge, historically speaking with regard to probability, towards making the playoffs. Lastly, puppy is even more fired up than I am, so the quality of this diary might be dependent on how much I can risk her bladder’s durability. It’s a gambit. The whole night’s a gambit. Let’s hope the Lions go rogue. X-Men pun.
First Quarter
15:00 — After yet another touchback (the Lions have yet to return a kick this season), we’re excited to see Davey starting in the backfield. But his first carry goes for bupkus. Still, welcome back Davey! Hope that deep thigh bruise doesn’t mean much.
13:34 — Not the best start for the Goffmeister. He throws an awful pick on 3rd-and-12. That was the football equivalent of double-faulting a whole game of tennis. Totally unforced quadruple error.
13:00 — The defense has come to play. Hutch completes a terrific sack after grabbing Love with one hand. One-handed sacks indicate strength. Hutch is strong. His dancing is off-putting but it’s what puts gas in his tank, so go ahead and dance you virtuosic goof.
11:59 — The deef handles the sudden change very well and holds the Cheesers to a field goal. 3-0, Bad Guys. Let’s hope that was some flukiness from Goff and not a harbinger of a terrible decline. Not thrilled with his sharp uptick in turnovers.
11:15 — After another tough run by Davey, who looks like he’s at 70%, Jah Gibbs gets us close to a first down. Last week’s beefiness from Jah was legitimate beefiness, not fake beef.
8:51 — Goff to Iowa Sam converts a 3rd-and-long! Iowa Sam looks better every week. 35 yards!
8:16 — Holy smokes, it’s a TOUCHDOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!! What a great response. Goff to the Sun God for a wide-open deep pass down the left side; they almost made it look too easy. What a nicely executed drive from Goff. He needed that. Let’s see if the defense can break Love on his first real drive. 7-3, Motown!
7:27 — After Isiah Buggs gets the Leos’s second sack in as many drives, there’s great pass deef on 2nd down to force the Packers into a bad down-and-distance. Key to the game, 100%. If they’re behind the sticks a lot I don’t think there’s any way we lose this game.
7:21 — Love and the Packer O-Line don’t look up to snuff thus far. Consistent, chaotic pressure from our boys has them truly flustered. They’re punting back, let’s hope Glenn can keep things fresh and weird.
7:05 — First down saw Goff sail one on a play-action, but Jah Gibbs get his good chunk on second. There’s no doubts, the kid is legit.
5:35 — The Lions are quickly inside the Packer 20. The offense is clicking, no other way to say it. When this O-Line has its full personnel it’s very difficult to resist.
2:54 — DAVEY!!!! TOUCHDOOOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!!! What a terrific march down the field, and to cap it off with a bulldoze from Montgomery is a cherry on top. Things are clicking so much it’s enough for historically scarred Lions fans to wonder when the other shoe will drop. For now, we bask in a nice lead. 14-3, Good Guys.
1:27 — On a 3rd-and-3, the Pack are left sputtering (Al Michaels’s word) when Love throws a real tall ball to a not-as-tall boy. The Pack punts back to the Leos and our stay on cloud nine is extended.
0:00 — Wiz Kalif effs around and gets 40 on a reverse!! And this is after a sweet Goffie to plane pal Josh Reynolds! We end a first quarter chock-full of high notes with a very high note. So many high notes over here it’s like a castrato choir from Vienna, babe. (The previous sentence should be read in a Dennis Miller voice, and you can substitute “cha-cha” for “babe” if you so choose).
Second Quarter
14:22 — Iowa Sam got bottled up in the flats on a screen, Reynolds slipped getting open on a timing route and then Goffster had to chuck one away under heavy presh.
14:07 — The Packers made an odd choice to give us another go at the end zone, but to no avail. Regardless, “Pat Riley” Riley Patterson knocks through a kick and the Good Guys extend their lead, 17-3. I think this is the point in the game where maniac coaching pays off. True relentless comes through in what would be otherwise be naturally-occurring lulls in intensity.
13:51 — PICKED!! Holy Toledo. Anzalone continues his march onto All-Underrated and tip drills an oskie to Jerry Jacobs.
13:19 — TOUCHDOOOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!!! DAVEY!!! He’s in for the second time today through a hole that was about as big as a mid-sized sedan. 24-3, Lions. A superlatively excellent performance so far. Not much more to say. Perhaps just, “Nice.”
11:51 — The Lions defense makes the Gee-Bees go 3-and-out very quickly. A few boo birds are coming out at Lambeau. This is the most complete and dominant a Lions team has looked in a very long time. And it proves that their A-game is a serious force to be reckoned with.
10:30 — A Jonah Jackson hold puts the Lions in a 1st-and-20 and quickly a 2nd-and-18. Credit the Green Bay D-Line, they look like they’ve mustered some fight.
9:45 — Another penalty makes a first down all but unattainable, but Jack Fox and The Silver Lining Boys get a great bounce and half-muff on the punt. Packers are buried inside their 10.
8:50 — Credit to Jordan Love, he just probably kept their thin hopes alive in this game when he threw an impromptu left-handed pass under extreme duress to avoid giving Hutch a safety sack. The Packers aren’t close to quitting yet, they’re hardcore.
7:23 — After we give them a first down on a nootch-zoner, Alim shows out twice in a row. TFL with a sack chaser. His crazy workout offseason is starting to pay dividends.
5:59 — They gain 17 yards but they needed 21. We’ll take it. The defense is playing like their hair’s on fire. Their pubic hair, though. EXTRA insane. Think about it. We’re getting the ball back.
4:15 — A double dose of Davey bookends a nice Goff-to-Iowa Sam toss and the Lions get a methodical first down. A lengthier, grindier (not a word) drive would be excellent right now.
2:00 — Goff-to-Sun God and Goff-to-Iowa Sam yields two consecutive first downs. When things are going this well your brain just thinks of who to praise next. This time, Brad Holmes is popping into my mind. We have good players all over the field. It’s a simple way to build a good team, but it sure ain’t easy. To quote the best line reading of Jude Law’s career in his role as Watson: “HOOOOOOLLLLMES!”
0:41 — After a real beefer from Davey, Jah Gibbs get a touch and the Lions are threatening to augment their lead before half. Green Bay’s calling timeouts for their return possession, the goofs. Let’s make ’em pay!
0:38 — I jinxed the hell out of that. Dammit. Stupid typing. Pat Riley Patt knocks through a consolation field goal. 27-3, Lions over Packers. I wouldn’t have dared to dream of this score out of jinx fear.
0:12 — Shoutout to John Cominsky, who just applied a sweet pressure. The Lions should auction off Cominsky hang-outs for charity.
HALFTIME — Charles Harris ends the half the way most of the half went: with a sacking of Jordan Love. I’m gonna make a cup of decaf in an attempt to zig before the game zags. Best half of the season so far, by a huge margin.
HALFTIME COMMERCIALS — Amazon just ran an ad for LL Bean’s fall collection therefore I briefly glimpsed a personalized, white person’s ersatz nirvana. Good omen for the second half.
Third Quarter
14:53 — Packers begin the second half with a hold on the return, and LaFleur’s halftime interview is about as good as one can give in his current predicament. I expect a hard-fought second half, but the Packers desperately need a spark. They won’t get back in this game gradually. If the Leos can avoid a haymaker, it’s hard not to really like their chances.
12:17 — Hutch gets called for hands to the face on the same play where Ife absolutely obliterates Aaron Jones. But the headline is: the Pack are moving the ball much better. Someone challenged the Green Bay O-Line’s sense of pride.
11:44 — Anzo gets called for a b.s. roughness call. What’s worse is Brian Branch is sloooowly hobbling off the field after a weird-looking low-impact injury. The versatile rook DB does not look primed to return.
9:27 — In a truly crucial play, Love converts over the middle on 4th-and-9 to keep Packer hopes alive. They’re deep in our red zone, poised to score and the mood in this room has shifted to “miffed”. Trying to keep it down so puppy can lull herself into the arms of Morpheus. Hard to contain oneself. Did our secondary play this much zone in the first half? I couldn’t tell; the question was largely moot because the pass rush was strong to quite strong.
8:17 — After Love hits a criminally wide-open Watson for a Pack touchie, they also convert the 2-pointer to quickly make this a two-possession game. The book on the Lions defense is a short and easy read: if the front seven can’t generate lots of consistent pressure, they’re quite vulnerable to long drives. The Goffense needs to deliver us from this uneasiness.
6:45 — That was an extraordinarily quick 3-and-out. This feels similar to the 3rd quarter of last week’s Atlanta game, which is to say the Lions are playing very poorly. Atlanta couldn’t take advantage, our defense found their high gears again and the offense found a way to close ’em out. I’m not sure if Green Bay will be as inept.
5:00 — The defense is aided by a backward pass from Love and makes the Packers go 3-and-out about as quickly as we did ourselves on the previous possession. Dueling ineptitudes at this point.
3:29 — A tidy little Goffie to Jah Gibbs gets the Lions a desperately needed fresh set of downs. The next play sees Davey get a solid beef chunk up the middle. One definite trend in this game: Davey has gotten stronger as the game goes on.
0:54 — Strange times, indeed. The O-Line falters on a critical passing play, Ben Johnson appears totally out of play-call rhythm, and even Jacky y Las Platas stink the joint up with a weakly short punt. It would appear the Lions forgot how to do everything awesomely over the course of halftime, much like last week. Let’s hope the same trends hold and they submit a serviceable fourth quarter.
0:00 — The Packers are allowed to run a play after time had run out, which doesn’t seem totally fair. They heave a huge pass for a huge gain. Again, time had run out. I thought I was clear on the rules. Perhaps not. For real though, you gotta expect a little bit of ref chicanery when you’re kicking Packer ass in Green Bay. We can persevere.
Fourth Quarter
14:52 — Love runs in and scores on a well-conceived draw play, but John Cominsky makes a violently awesome stop on the 2-pointer. Lion ball, up 27-17. The Goffense must hold serve.
13:35 — BenJo’s found some weaknesses in Green Bay’s defense of the flats and exploits them to the tune of consecutive first downs.
11:40 — On a biiiig 3rd-and-2, Gibbs beefs up the middle behind a great push from the O-Line.
10:54 — When solid runs sets up play action, Goff becomes truly great. Another dose of this on first down sees a Goff dart land in Reynolds’s outstretched mitts. We’re moving well and in the red zone.
8:13 — The Packer defense galvanizes just in time and forces another Pat Riley appearance. He diligently splits the uprights. Good guys are up 30-17. Time being relative, it makes perfect sense when I say this is the longest 8 minutes and change has ever, ever felt.
7:39 — A truly bizarre turn of events sees the field goal erased and the Lions given a fresh set of downs as we come back from commercial, courtesy of a Green Bay pentalty on the kick. Can the Leos take advantage of the obvious make-up call?
6:34 — So far, no. Davey is stopped at the 1 on 3rd-and goal. We’re going for it…
6:00 — AND WE GET IT!!! TOUCHDOOOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!! DAVEY’S THIRD TIME, AND IT IS A CHARM!! Another blocking clinic from the O-Line opens up a lane that’s easily doable for Dave Montgomery (henceforth Monty in addition to Davey) and the Lions make the lead even bigger than it already was, lapping the Packers 34-17. Barring several defensive catastrophes, this one’s beginning to smell cooked.
4:18 — Al Mikes and Kirk Herby are already speaking in wind-down mode, as if this game is truly salted. Not a fan of that. Also, puppy pulled a ready-for-bedtime fake-out and is throwing a total shit fit in the crate. Also, I think I lost ~30 seconds of game action because I sat on the remote and this is not like regular television at all. What’s sloppier: my finish on this running diary or that calzone-pizza hybrid currently being hocked by Little Caesar? Rest assured, any sourness you perceive reading this is assuaged by Al Michaels having to read Prime promos for a totally unnecessary ‘The Boys’ spin-off.
4:05 — Also assuaging any sourness: another pick! The Leos get the ball back, and now I’m more comfortable with wind-down announcerspeak.
3:32 — A terrific Green Bay punt return after a lackluster offensive series that saw Goff get really roughed up is just enough to prevent my relaxation. I have an early appointment in the morning. Come on, boys.
3:00 — After a Hutch/Cominsky combo sack, Amazon points the parabolic mics toward a particularly vocal group of traveling Lion fans. I’ll tell you what: clearly audible and well-justified “Let’s Go Lions” chants at Arrowhead and Lambeau in the first four weeks of the season feels really, really good.
2:52 — The Packers get a field goal through, but the ensuing onside kick fails. Lion ball, 34-20.
2:44 — More evidence for Monty getting stronger as the game goes on: he just went over 100 with his best run of the day, trucking the formidable Quay Walker on the way. While we’re on the subject, Quay is an exceedingly weird name. Should’ve gone with your second choice there, parents of Quay. Call him Bog, why don’tcha?
1:37 — Monty is stopped short on 3rd-and-5. We’re in range for a kick, but we’re going for it…
1:06 — And Goff converts to the Sun God!!! Close the book on this one. THE LIONS WIN!!! THE LIONS WIN IN LAMBEAU!!
0:00 — That one felt good. Even with that incredibly great first half and consistently big lead, this one didn’t feel totally wrapped up until pretty late. That’s probably latent Lions fan Doomism coming through. But hey, it’s the NFL. There are few very cupcakes, and the Packers at home will never be that. 121 yard and 3 touchies from Monty was awesome to watch. The deef had moments of complete dominance. We shook off an ignominious beginning like it was NOTHING. In short: we played well and beat the Packers again. As it stands now, the division goes through Detroit. It wasn’t perfect, but it was way more than good enough. Thanks for reading, MiWriTheLi-headz. It was a genuine pleasure for me, I hope it was for you as well. I’m heading to the bar on Sunday because home is only going to have Bears v. Broncos and I absolutely need to see Bills v. Dolphins. Also gonna try to catch a verse of Miguel Cabrera’s swan song this weekend. I hope you all have a terrific weekend, knowing the Lions have won before it even started and have 10 days of rest before their next game. Good stuff! Auf Wiedersehen!
