11:38 EDT — This could be a turning point in the season and the Lions seem like they need to prove their mettle in a contest against a squad for whom things are going right. This game, potentially crucial down the line, would go a long way towards building the Lions’s own confidence in their depth and resiliency. I feel like I need to prove this, too. That’s why I’m set up almost 90 minutes early. I’m doing finger stretches, I’m making slight adjustments to where things are at on the desk, I’m doing desk chair swivels, I’ve installed a lumbar support because time’s cruelty knows no limit; I’m trying to telepathically channel some ultra-preparedness and focus to the Lions. We’re gonna have to be sharp to topple Atlanta.
11:47 — To me, the strangest part about network pre-game shows being so awful is that football is so fun to listen and talk about. Most shows just feel so awkward and tedious, and this is from a person who is very interested in the subject matter to begin with. Shows don’t have to be this way. Six people at a desk is weird, the little live-diagramming plays they perform on 30 by 20 foot “fields” are weird, the one-on-one feature interviews are 95% weird. Why is this specific dumbness so immutable?
11:57 — Why not try a pre-game show in a late-night talk show format? Start with a few monologue jokes, quick “look around the league” with the band of non-chucklehead correspondents, then a decent football chat with a guest or two. An actual discussion like people have. About football, and perhaps occasionally with other stuff naturally peppered in. People want this! And make it two weird hosts like Scott Rogowsky but with Eric Wareheim. I think I just miss late night TV. I really do. I thought about it the other day. Just one show’s night’s worth of monologue jokes was enough endorphins to feel fun through the morning for me. I miss all that goofiness so much.
12:16 — My proverbial football grapes are especially sour as of late because I’m a Michigan State Spartan. If you keep up with any news you know we’re recently re-embarrassed, this time by our colossally awful former football coach, his terrible behavior and now-contentious departure and our team’s complete floundering thereafter. A triple whammy of shame-inducing dumbness for a fortnight. The podcasts I sometimes listen to as I take care of puppy aren’t very enjoyable when your school’s malfeasance is (deservedly) the topic du jour.
12:24 — As I did last week, I’ll be listening to the Lions call on Detroit’s FM 97.1 with “Dapper” Dan Miller in lieu of whoever Fox has — assuredly with poor judgment — decided is good at calling a game. I’m not even sure who’s on the call, but I don’t care much for Fox’s #1 team so I think the odds are low I’d like one of the j.v. squads. I only bring this up to say that watching Jay Glazer’s hand movements as he’s muted makes a person feel sort of concerned for Glazer’s well-being. He looks as if one of those inflatable arm-flailing promotional tube men did a year’s worth of twice-daily gym sessions. It’d be funny if you didn’t have to worry the stitching (in this case I suppose it’s his tendons and ligaments) won’t hold up. Take some time off, Glaze. Eat some Hawaiian rolls and then take a nap. Something.
12:34 — As long as we’re on the subject of food and naps, let’s lay out the snackage for the afternoon. We’re sacrificing heartiness and completeness at the altar of luck. Just an A&W Root Beer, a bag of mini twists by Snyder’s of Hanover and some four-cheese flavored Triscuits onto which I’ll liberally apply some Melinda’s Green Sauce. Puppy has several chew toys at the ready once she wakes up from her nap. Physical environment preliminarily secured.
12:39 — Campbell’s interview answer when asked about the plethora of injuries is essentially, “It’s about identity.” For most other coaches, that would not inspire confidence. But last year gave a lot of us some faith that Campbell can will guys into playing above their typical levels. That’s not much to lean on but it feels like it might get it done against Atlanta.
12:42 — I keep having to remind myself of Atlanta’s present threat because I’m already dreading how difficult Green Bay’s gonna be.
12:54 — Taking puppy outside for her final pre-game pee (she’s a more typical pee-er now), it’s an almost perfect early autumn day. A small part of me can’t help but wonder if the Lion’s woes are at least partially related to their indoor stadium. This epitomizes the unique ways that Lions fandom makes you insane. It makes you question the consciousness of weather and whether that weather (no wordplay intended) has a sense of decades-long spite.
12:59 — Slight but potentially impactful snackage update: I’ve benched the A&W and bumped up Diet Rock & Rye into the starting rotaish.
13:00 — Coin toss brought to you by a bank. Kind of clever, I guess. Atlanta guessed heads, somehow they lost. Lions choose to play defense first, just like against the Hawks. Let’s hope for better results.
First Quarter
14:58 — Atlanta’s middling return reminds me the Lions haven’t returned a single kick yet. I’d like to see a return today. Just for variety’s sake.
14:45 — Opening Falcon play is a chunky gain on a screen to Bijan Robinson (henceforth Deej-Beej). I think if you honesly polled Lions fans about a third would admit they’d want Deej-Beej over Jah Gibbs. I’m still in Gibbsville. Gimme that elusiveness.
13:53 — Anzalone finishes a great series with a conversion-saving solo tackle a couple yard short of the sticks. He’s had an unheralded, excellent start to the season.
13:15 — After Goff dumps off to avoid big presh, Gibbs shows a lack of required beef in a run up the middle. Uh-oh.
12:05 — Jack Fox and the Silver Liners come out to clean up the mess the offense made and execute a good punt. Although they muster a decent return the Falcons are called for a hold and the field is effectively flipped again. I’m doing mindfulness exercises to remind myself, “Nothing’s even happened yet. And if it does, take it easy.” Maybe this is ultimately healthy!
11:14 — Atlanta is a little sloppy at game’s start. We’ll take it. Unrelated side note: Lions crowd shots are always awesome. Our fans either have incredibly good, elaborate costumes or just cool, unique clothes. I think people get custom shirts with paintings of Lions on them. They look awesome.
11:07 — Ridder straight up missed Pitts for a gigantic gain. Ridder might not be up to it.
10:54 — Ridder invites to me to chow down on my previous words and flings a beautiful pass into the hands of Drake London (henceforth Foggy).
9:40 — After a great Anzalone tackle on first, Benito Jones records a rare Lions sack!
9:03 — On 3rd-and-16, Derrick Barnes gets another sack! Holy smokes! We can sack the QB! I was beginning to wonder if there was a edict/memo from the league that prohibited the Lions from sacking. I no longer think this is the case! Woo! They’re puntin.
Commercial Break — It was muted, but I’ve heard it before: this ludicrous commercial where AT&T touts their phone plans by deflecting criticism of their own nickel-and-dime tactics by attempting to shove the criticism onto the airlines. Specifically, a singular flight attendant. That AT&T girl who was gonna play Squirrel Girl really goes out of her way to shame the flight attendant. Who, in AT&T’s world, writes pricing policy. Fellow Lions lifer Keegan Michael-Key supports the shaming with an, essentially, “OH NO YOU DI-INT”. AT&T is a sucky company. I’d write more, but there’s football to be had. Fuck AT&T.
8:10 — Goff looks poised so far, with a soft Goffie to Iowa Sam. It’d be nice to see Iowa Sam hit pay dirt today.
7:15 — Making up for a fair chop block penalty on first down, Goff hits Sun God for 15 yards! Penalty yardage nullified!
6:30 — A short Goffie turns into a pseudo-scrum and the Lions win the shove fight for a first down! Liking this drive so far.
5:29 — Goff to Wiz Kalif for another chain-mover! The Goffman hasn’t missed this drive.
4:12 — Another first down, this time on the legs of Jah Gibbs! Betwixt the tackles, no less! Huzzah! For better and for worse, it’s really obvious when Ben Johnson is in a play-calling rhythm.
2:25 — After I stupidly jinxed Benjo’s rhythm, a pass to Wiz Kalif is short of the sticks on 3rd-and 14, but then Riley Patterson (henceforth Pat Riley) gives the Lions a lead!! Three to zero, Good Guys!
1:39 — Deej-Beej peels off as cool of an 11-yard run as you can have. Bouncing off guys like he’s stone and they’re rubber. We’re gonna have to stay insane and hit that dude hard all game or he’ll go over 100 from scrimmage at least.
0:18 — Ridder hits Pitts. I have fits. The quarter’s over. Break for shits.
Second Quarter
14:56 — Still congratulating myself for the fun way I wrapped up the first quarter, I’m bummed to see Ridder can change the play from the line because I thought the crowd would be louder. But it works out ok as the Leos get a nice TFL.
14:17 — Pitts again, first down. I’m beginning to feel dumb for not being in on this team. There’s a lot of serious talent out there.
12:52 — Alim McNice catalyzes a timely TFL, quickly followed by the third TFL on this drive by Ife Melifonwu.
11:32 — Bad Guys tie up the game. Good job by the defense to stiffen up there once they got near the red zone. Atlanta’s figuring some stuff out, but so are we. This looks to be shaping into a good game.
11:25 — Goffman missed a wide open Wiz on a beautiful play action. First stinker of the game, a costly one.
10:38 — On 3rd-and-8, there’s a Goffie to Sun God, and a late flag that gives me agita is eventually picked up. First down on the 19-yarder!
10:20 — As a defensive holding refreshes the Detroit downs, we’re horrified to see the backup right tackle Matt Nelson down with an injury. Thankfully, Dan Campbell and fan favorite Dan Skipper is re-signed and ready to step up. Maybe not the most talented player in the league, but a tough dude who epitomizes what the team claims to be about.
10:05 — So quickly back from break, Goffmeister launches a loooong touchie to Iowa Sam! TOUCHDOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS! Sammy’s first career score, good for him! Good for Goff, to get that earlier stinker off his back. What a beautiful play. Woo-woo! 10-3 Good Guys.
9:59 — Great pressure from Hutch, a great pass deflection by Branch. The defense’s future is bright indeed.
9:13 — On 3rd-and-long, a shotgunned Ridder throws a stinky and Atlanta is forced to punt. I’d be happy if Ridder maintains this level of play. I think we can handle this Ridder. Any different, better Ridders I can give a miss.
8:56 — Some more nice yard after contact from Jah Gibbs. Maybe he can do the beefin.
7:47 — On a 3rd-and-4, the Goffer hits Wiz Kalif for 15! Wiz having a tidy little first half here.
6:30 — Reynolds does a great job of blitz pickup and Goff hits the Sun God for a first down! Goff is throwing DARTS.
5:20 — Goff completes to Wiz after Wiz had to pick himself back up mid-route, down to the Atlanta 10!! Goff is barely conscious.
3:17 — After middling runs by Goff and Jah, Goff can’t complete on 3rd-and-goal, but a flag for illegal contact refreshes the Lions with goal to go. Thanks, Falcons! Goff calls a timeout and the broadcast goes to that short-timeout split-screen commercial. Whatever.
2:26 — A rare holding call on Sewell makes is 2nd-and-goal from the 14. Goff out of the gun hands it to Gibbs, yielding a nifty 8 yards before the 2-minute warning. Huge plays dead ahead.
1:53 — Good coverage from Atlanta on third but then Pat Riley boots one through to put the Lions up by double digits! Let’s see if the defense can hold that lead for the half.
1:08 — Hutch compliments Alim McNice and they combine to force Ridder into a fall-down sack! A play later, the Leos aggressively call a T.O., hoping to get this ball back and score. I like the swagger but if I’m being honest it makes me nervous.
1:04 — Pressure from a Barnes blitz (just like I asked for in the preview) forces Ridder into Ridderity, Lions gonna get the ball back with just under a minute and one timeout. Benjo, earn some more goodwill!
0:29 — Atlanta’s pressure is excellent three plays in a row, and three very quick incompletions later the Lions are forced to punt back. Notably, Dan Skipper is out at right tackle and there’s a rookie who’s taken his place. Slight cause for concern in the second half.
0:01 — After plunking their way forward a few yards at a time, a 53-yard Atlanta Hail Mary pass before halftime fails as Iowa Jack sacks Ridder. That was some good low-stakes drama, warm up the circulatory system for the half to come. 13-3 at the break in favor of the Lions!
HALFTIME — Michigan autumn cannot be beaten.
Third Quarter
15:00 — Another touchback. The rookie who’s now playing critical minutes at right tackle is Colby Sorsdal from William & Mary, aka Jon Stewart U. I hope he’s better than I imagine Jon Stewart would be. I bet he will be.
13:46 — Jason Cabinda completely fails to truck from the fullback spot and we fail to convert a 3rd-and-inches. Fox and the Silvies knock out a 54-yard punt. Three and out is a bad start to a half! I hope the defense was taking hits off smelling salts during halftime. To quote a Joe Pera/Connor O’Malley web series, “GET NUTS!”
12:15 — Brian Branch horse-collar assaults Deej-Beej and adds 15 yard to what was already a first down carry. Whatever momentum and energy the Lions had remained in the halftime locker room while the team came back out.
11:00 — The Lions give up 17 yards from a completion to the flats and the Falcons are quickly in field goal range.
9:21 — After a great tackle from Anzo on Pitts, the Falcons inexplicably run weak-side on 3rd-and-6 and Hutch cleans up nicely and Deej-Beej.
8:26 — The ensuing field goal is NO GOOD! That’s three blundered kicks by the visitors in less than 7 quarters this season at Ford Field! Maybe it’s hard looking at a loud, blue mass. If I’m being honest: all things being equal, I’d rather look at regular stuff than a loud blue mass. That’s why I quit the Best Buy where all my coworkers were obese.
7:09 — After short runs on 1st and 2nd, Johnson dials up a Goff-to-Sun God special on 3rd-and-4. Leos gain 11 and get a much-needed first down.
6:35 — Goff just took a big hit after Colby the Rook got Rook-Trucked on the right side. Let’s hope Goff has gained durability as he’s gotten better.
5:20 — After making up almost all the yard lost from an awful and rare drop from the Sun God, Dan Campbell surprisingly sends Foxy & The Liners out to punt from the Falcon 43. It seems as though Dan Campbell is getting incrementally more conservative. I don’t like it. I want the mania, it’s what works for us. He must have good confidence in the defense’s ability to withstand the added burden.
4:36 — I’ll admit the refs haven’t been so bad this season, but they just made an awful pass interference call on a completely uncatchable throw. Falcons get a sizable break.
3:51 — After another good job by the Lions D-Line of bottling up Deej-Beej, Ridder throws a hospital ball over the middle and may have cost his non-Pitts tight end one of his kidneys. That was as vicious as a clean hit gets. Guy crumpled like a boxer breaking his ribs.
3:48 — Ridder throws high and Ife gets a piece of it to force a fourth down! They should keep an eye out for some tricky stuff here, but another great stand by the defense. Let’s see the offense rise to the challenge.
3:34 — A hold from Frank Ragnow on first down lets me know things might be okay. A Ragnow mistake is an indication that things will turn around. On cue, Goff gets it to 3rd-and-manageable on a toss to Sun God.
1:58 — Doubly on cue, Goff gets a little happy-feeted and throws just wide of Iowa Sam. The broadcast hasn’t flashed a graphic of it but Goff has gotten hit a ton today. It might be getting to him. Credit to the Atlanta defense, they’ve been getting after it crazily all game long.
1:45 — HUGE sack, fifth of the day, by Charles Harris and the Leo deef. That kinda thing on first down makes things so hard on an offense.
1:05 — A tipped pass is nearly intercepted, but it definitely isn’t intercepted. I don’t know Dan Campbell’s process for challenging, but this is a bad challenge and, ultimately, a wasted timeout. I don’t like bad challenges, especially at home. The video crew should know to put anything up on the Jumbotron quickly. And a coach should hit 99% of his challenges once he’s seen Jumbotron. Bad choice, Dan.
0:54 — TJ Lang on the radio laments the Lions offense and its lack of a killer instinct, and I sadly agree. There’s no zeal or crispness anywhere in the third quarter. They’re up 10 and the offense is playing like they’re up 30. Goff is sloppy.
0:01 — After a wide pass that was almost tipped into a difficult pick, Goff throws several yards high and this one is easily picked. Did someone slip a bunch of Klonopin into the Gatorade that the offense is using? Unlikely. It’d be difficult and the risk is insane compared to the reward. I think it’d result in jail time, honestly. Regardless, the offense is playing like it. This is the bleakest ten-point lead at the onset of the fourth quarter I’ve felt in a while.
Fourth Quarter
13:46 — A stout defensive effort forces the Falcons to go for it on fourth down…
13:42 — AND IT FAILS! Ridder throws wide and high of Foggy London and the Lions have their first big break of the second half. Turnover on downs, Good Guys still up 13-3.
13:05 — After a nifty first down catch-and-run from Sun God, Jah Gibbs beefs the middle for 5! Give credit to the rook, he’s unafraid of the difficult yards.
12:24 — Gibbs up the middle again! This time for a first down. Beef it, Jah! Rude boy.
11:46 — Jah Gibbs bounces it outside for a first down! This drive is called The Gibbsy.
10:30 — Gibbsy has slightly stalled as Sun-God is forced out of bounds to make it 3rd-and-goal from the 3.
9:50 — The Goffmeister keeps it himself on the left side for a TOUCHDOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!! What a huge score and what an unexpected call. Credit Goff for his deceptive fleet-footedness, but credit Ben Johnson for getting his play-calling groove back on a critical late-game drive. The good guys go up 20-3 with less than 10 on the clock. Let’s keep our foot on the gas and close this baby out strong. Woo-woo-woo!!
9:47 — As we wait through a seemingly interminable pre-snap, Dapper Dan tells radio listeners that the Lions defense has only allowed 41 yards this second half. That’s good. Good and helpful.
8:59 — On 3rd-and-14 with the crowd at its loudest point thus far, Ridder makes his best throw of the game and converts to their own 35. Pretty impressive throw. If Ridder can get more consistent this could be a really dangerous team.
8:19 — Another pass interference call, the tenth penalty overall on the Lions, and this one was on a throw as uncatchable as the last one. Really bad calls here. A lot of calls on the Lions have been fine, but the pass interferences have been very thin.
6:45 — The Falcons are nickel-and-diming their way down the field pretty effectively since that long pass from Ridder.
6:25 — On first down, a very clutch sack from Aid Hutch on a classic inside spin move. People who controlled d-linemen in Madden have pulled that one since controllers got 4 buttons.
5:15 — Ridder has overcome that sack on first, continued Atlanta’s march, but a delay of game on 2nd-and-goal puts more pressure on this now 15-play drive.
4:19 — After the Lions stymie Pitts around the six, Artie Smith sends Koo out there for a slightly surprising field goal that’s good. Lions will get the ball back up 14. The barrel staves are hammered in, the meat is dry, let’s salt this jerky.
4:05 — A great, 8-yard beefer from Craig Reynolds. I said earlier in the week we’d need a phenomenal game from him or the running game would suffer. Jah Gibbs showed he can beef today, so my concerns were unfounded, but nice to see that Craig can contribute if we need him.
3:23 — A first down run from Craig comes after an astoundingly good push from the O-Line, probably the MVPs of this game along with the D-Line. D-Line’s been totally relentless, O-Line has ham ‘n’ egged into some great lanes for the RBs to open up the passing game on later downs. Just like Brad Holmes dreamed it up. Having the lines as a strength of your team is a warm blanket.
2:25 — Campbell again goes extra-conservative. The Falcons burn their last timeout but DC seems more than happy to have Jacky F & The Silvery Lines punt it away. Jacky rises to the challenge and buries Atlanta inside their own 10. What a great punter.
2:10 — Another very debatable call gives Atlanta a free 15, but what’s more grating is the clock is stopped. We need a a nail for this coffin.
1:59 — There’s the nail!!! Holy smokes!! That’s what you draft a guy 2nd overall. Hutch does another inside spin that’s just too fast for a lone guard to hang with, knocks the ball out of Ridder’s hands and recovers the fumble himself. Barring an unprecedented disaster, Hutch just salted the jerky. Let it age. If it’s not obvious from these clumsy jerky metaphors, I missed having meat-and-cheese based snackage this game. It doesn’t feel the same. Rock & Rye and varying crackers do their job, but meat-and-cheese is elite.
1:18 — The Goffer just took his second knee. Victory formation locked in, the W is in the books for the Lions!!!! Lions win!!! Lions defeat the undefeated Falcons!!!!
0:00 — What a tremendous effort from the defense. Huge props to Aaron Glenn and the players. The offense had some hiccups and we’ve got to play more disciplined, but that was a solid win after Week Two’s heartbreaker nippleflicker. Ignoring how banged-up they were, that was just a gutsy win from a group of guys who weren’t gonna settle for anything less. Just like your boy thought.
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed as much I did writing it. These are fun to do regardless of the result, but c’mon. Sweeeeet Lions W and now we get the fun of having them tilt on a Thursday! At Lambeau, no less! Looking forward to that. Check back early in the week for Previews and Picks, and let’s check back in Thursday from Wisconsin! Auf Wiedersehen!
