Our beloved Lions are in an interesting spot, schedule-wise and clinch-wise. I can’t shed any new light on our myriad scenarios. Men who do this prolifically enough to cobble together enough ad dollars to cover rent (aka never stopping, all day, every day) have covered our scenarios and their implications ad nauseam. My closeted football savant friend who I’ve mentioned on this blog before told me in early October that we’re the best team in the league. That stings so much, because had we remained healthy there’s little doubt in my mind we’d have been a weight class above anyone else in the league this season. Alas, we are where we are. We’ve done a good job assimilating the backups (and ultimately the off-the-street replacements) and with any luck (not a given) we’ll get some key guys back for the playoff run. Anzalone alone would be an enormous add on the field and HUGE in the locker room. A healthy Carlton would be almost as big as a tactical add, maybe more. Getting Monty back would keep defenses honest and, somewhat counterintuitively, further augment the rise of Gibbsy to top-3 RB status. And good gravy, imagine getting a healthy Hutch (and I’ll only mention his name once… The Cominsk) back if everything falls into place correctly. That would suddenly be a Lion team that looks very similar to the All-Universe juggernaut we witnessed in the middle part of the season. This week’s matchups is deceptively tough, as I believe we’ll get a “best effort to show we still have pride around here”-type effort from SF. The Niners, despite what their record would indicate, are not completely devoid of talent. Monday Nighter, on the road; the Lions are gonna have to turn in at least a “B” game if they wanna win this one. A “B-” might not cut it, as I see Saint Frank giving us a focused and determined effort for about 58 minutes.
Of course, I predicted a similar thing about the Leos and the Bears on XMas Week and that bit me square on the yeek. These spreads are tricky enough, sometimes teams throw big haymakers that you don’t see coming; haymakers that come from the non-dominant hand and off the back foot but still somehow land with a pop and obliterate the opponent almost instantly, á la the Lions last week. I’ll give credit to like 60% of the Bears who looked like they didn’t quit, but the more advanced math with lead you to the notion that there were ~40% of Bears who looked… let’s call it “listless”. Hard to predict, is my point, and we’re woefully short on time this week again, so the picks are gonna come harder and faster than ever, with little explantation. Just like… nevermind, make your own punchline there. This is a family website. Not it’s not. Still, a little class. Onward to picks.
Quick picks this week. We’re still smarting from the Eagles loss — which seemed laughably improbable the entire damn time it was happening — and from the Tampa Bay loss, a gambling and IRL loss that I’d bet has the Tampa folks shaking their heads as much as I am. Bad loss. Cowboys were begging to be officially put out of their misery and the Bucs came out flatter than the middle page of a phone book (Gen Z’s who don’t get that joke: first, just try to discern it from context. Not too difficult. If that’s somehow beyond you because you’re ChatGPT-addicted and now found yourself to be “not quite proficient” in English, look up what a phone book is. Then look up switchboards and operators. Then Telstar. Look up random stuff on Wiki et al. for a few hours instead of TikTok-ing. That’s how you make yourself a good Jeopardy contestant, which is quickly becoming one of the last reasonable ways to make a lot of money in America.)
WEEK SEVENTEEN PICKS: KYLE MOONEY’S SENSE OF HUMOR, AND THEREFORE MOST OF HIS WORK, ISN’T FOR EVERYBODY. BUT IT’S INARGUABLE THAT HE’S A MASTER AT FILTERING THROUGH SOCIAL MORAYS AND SEEING EXACTLY WHAT MAKES CERTAIN TYPES OF PEOPLE CLICK
Last Week: 2-3, Season: 47-33-1, Lifetime: 102-61-4
Cowboys (+7) @ Eagles — Birds get back on track and hate the Boys. Birds.
Packers (+1.5) @ Vikings — The near-annual Green Bay Bandwagon Invite Game. Cheese.
Jets (-9) @ Bills — I think Allen really wants an MVP big stats, big scores. Billies.
Falcons (+3.5) @ Washington — Rook QB’s. I’ll take the more proven one. I guess. Washy.
Lions (-3.5) @ Niners — I must say, even as an avid and proud fan, I have underestimated this season’s Lions by several orders of magnitude. They’re tougher and craftier than I even imagined they could be, and that’s saying something. A couple times I’ve picked against them, and they’ve proven me right. This season has been a figurative minefield of injuries and bad luck. Not only have the Lions handled it all with aplomb, but if I had to bet on it I’d wager that Campbell has these guys — all these guys — relishing these challenges. Relishing every one of them as each new one pops up. It’s as if the Lions are climbing up a snowy cliff and Campbell has his players thinking to themselves, “Man if this wind picks up then we’ll be REALLY hype.” It’s almost as remarkable as some of the incredible performances the players have given. Aside from Buffalo, I don’t know if there’s been a more focused team week-to-week than our boys. And this is an obvious revenge game. We don’t take that stuff lightly. We want to beat the Niners as soundly as we can. I think we’re gonna do that this week. The Pride gets the job done.
Thanks for peeping our Week Seventeeners! Hope your XMas was wonderful. Mine was totally excellent and I was riding the hell out of that Holiday wave, brother, until about two days after when humanity decided to quickly remind me of its most nasty and awful behavior. I often encourage you, dear reader, to be affable and friendly and open with the love in your heart, I often don’t give the reverse-perspective version of the advice. But with soul-crushingly mean encounters with strangers this past week in mind, I offer it now: specifically avoid being a loud, cantankerous, disagreeable, mean-spirited, fight-picking nitwit. That’s a bad way to be. Go the opposite direction on pretty much all those qualities I listed and you’ll be fine. Have a terrific and fulfilling year of fun and personal growth, my dear readership! We look forward to writing for you in 2025! Auf Wiedersehen!
