This has been a week to discouple ourselves from the negative and reconnect with that natural sense of balance we strive for with all that is good. My friends, The Detroit Lions Football Team has earned the Playoff Bye Week.
The teams I root for — even when they’re really good — mostly are in leagues and formats that lack bye weeks for top regular season finishers. I suppose it’s possible the Tigers might have a chance at a bye in the upcoming seasons, but the point remains. Byes are fairly uncommon. Except in the NFL! Sheesh, until recently there were byes for 4 teams! Alas… never, ever were one of those byes earned by my beloved Lions. Until now. Oh my gosh, you guys. Look, I’m sure a bye week is a most welcome respite from the perspective of a player. Speaking strictly as a fan, it might even be more so from our side. Oh my goodness gracious. A week where you get to not fret about your squad because of their hard-earned success is a gift I didn’t dare imagine would be this awesome. What a carefree, glide-filled week. And by the way, if you think you’re getting some long and thoughtful football narrative piece because I “had time” this week, think again. My squad’s on the hard-earned bye, so am I (mostly). I’m here to make picks but that’s about all we’re gonna get. I’m using this bye week (and, if we’re keeping it a buck, a few days early next week) as one huge, extended sleep. My glymphatic system humming along at low RPMs, just slowly and thoroughly churning up some fresh mind-grapes while purging away the unhelpful biases and slants I’ve accrued in my mind over the course of the season. I’m chemically fat-cutting the part of the brain that makes game picks. It’s an imprecise science. And a very clumsy metaphor! One might go so far as to say it’s utter nonsense. But remember, luck is about faith, and faith is about belief without feeling a need for proof. We’re on a mythic quest when picking playoffs, whose goal is so ambitious we dare not commit its words to print (or electronic media like this, it’s an updated hex). Here’s a hint (and yes, hints are allowed): it rhymes with “merfect run of picks”. So without further ado, we humbly present our sixer of Wild Card Weekend picks — along with the briefest of rationales — in chron order:
WILD CARD WEEKEND PICKS: NAMASTE, YOU BEAUTIFUL MIRACLES
Last Week: 3-2, Regular Season Finish: 54-36-1, Lifetime: 109-64-4
Chargers (-3) @ Texans — Tough — very, very tough — to pick against a reasonably talented home dog, but I’ve been begrudgingly high on Harbs the Lesser since LA signed him. And there’s just been some mojo missing from Houston all season. Gimme the Chargers in a convincer.
Steelers (+9.5) @ Ravens — One thing I know about the Ravens is they generally rise to challenges. And although they know they’re better than the Steelers, the Steelers are still The Steelers, and the Ravens don’t care for that. They still have the chip on their shoulder in this matchup, and I don’t see how Pittsburgh moves the ball to keep up with what I think will be a fair amount of points from Baltimore. Nevermores serve huge notice.
Broncos (+8.5) @ Bills — Gosh I don’t like these big lines. But as much as he’s proven me wrong this season I just cannot will myself to take a rookie QB in a very tough first playoff start on the road. Bo Nix, if you pull this off, good on ya. I was wrong about your prowess all season long. I just think Buffalo is a different animal pun HUGELY intended. Williams.
Packers (+4.5) @ Eagles — I’ve seen this game before. Detroit used to play it all the time: limp your way into the wild card spot, go to Philly, get waxed. That used to be our jam back when I was a little tyke. There’s so much going Philly’s way this game it seems like a good candidate for a Costanza, but there’s not enough positive coming out of Green Bay to make me feel good enough to do it. Iggles stomp.
Commanders (+3) @ Buccaneers — Have not been picking many upsets. This is one I kinda like. I enjoy when a team is “too young” to feel pressure of the moment. It’s a funny narrative that I actually think kinda holds water. I feel as though that may be the case here for Washington, whereas the veteran Bucs might press a little bit. I’d usually pick the veteran team here over the rook-laden one, but the ‘Manders have Bobby Wagner. He can drastically elevate a team, maturity-wise, and have them 100% ready for the playoff environment. Gimme D.C. Bethesda Bagels.
Vikings (-2.5) @ Rams — Home dog Rams! Stafford against an old North foe! I like this game, I think it’ll be the game of the weekend. And I think the Lions beat up on the Vikes again. Left ’em a little sore and achy. The Rams, meanwhile, largely got some rest last week. I think I like the Rams to out-intense the Vikings early and then out-energy them down the stretch. Oh look! A bighorn! That’s why I come up here.
Those are our Wild Card Weekend picks. Thanks for reading. May peace follow you wherever your travels may take you. Lions fans, enjoy this weekend. We’ve never had it before. Soak it up. Mental photos, emotional self check-ins, the whole nine. Feel it. Next week we’re back on the clock. But for now, we’re floating above the ground in a zen garden, a haven of bliss and tranquility. We’re outside of time and space, existing solely on a plane of immediate presence that simultaneously generates and vanishes in endlessly reiterating instances of perpetual cosmic harmony. The team worked it’s way there, and now we all know the palliative joy of mental and physical convalescence. Above the noise, above the mess. The Playoff Bye Week. Auf Wiedersehen, meine Freunde!
