Welcome to the season’s first Running Diary! No ceremony necessary, let’s get to it.
19:02 EDT — an hour and 18 minutes before the alleged kickoff time, I try to see if the NBC pre-game show is worth switching over from The Office reruns on Comedy Central. It’s the one where Dwight goes way overboard and commits aggravated assault against Jim with snowballs. Inconclusive so far.
19:03 — I’ve brought this up before, but why do they call it “Chiefs Kingdom”? Did indigenous chiefs historically run around going, “Whaddup babe I’m Chief! And I’m THE KING around these parts!” I doubt it. Why not “Chiefs Chiefdom”? Chiefs Kingdom is like Accountant’s Jurisdiction.
19:10 — OK, I gotta switch off the pre-game stuff. I don’t like chuckleheads and I don’t want to bring negative mojo into the game. These things are, I sincerely believe with no basis in reality, ultimately very important to the game’s outcome. Apologies to NBC, our nation’s formerly-competent-in-ways-other-than-showing-sports-and-Seth-Meyers network.
Before I self-destructively devour more pre-game-programming life-drainer let me inform you as to how I’ll be staging this evening’s various waves of snacks: we commence saltily with plain Better Mades, onion dip and a Paulaner, then a 20-oz sugar-free A&W transition to ensure absurd burp overdrive and finally, Blake’s Apple Mill cider (microwaved in 16-oz mug) and a plain donut for the post-halftime closer. If the 4th quarter’s tight we move to a throwback to my youth and a mid-20s White Boy hangover staple: sports-branded, huge plastic cup filled with ice water. Peep ya within the hour, gonna make sure Dunder-Mifflin is still doing okay.
19:25 — My puppy does this innovative move in which she subdivides a single pee’s worth of pee into three separate pees. She’ll dispense about a dozen milliliters, meander for a moment and a half, then for Round Two she pees for 20 seconds straight. The third pee is a lil’ splash she reserves exclusively for the indoors, usually the exact instant you take one second’s break from intense supervision. I’m opposed to her scheduling, but I must admit it’s going to make this viewing experience/dog care balance into a real thrill ride.
19:51 — Campbell interview, edited down to about a minute of well-worn platitudes. I assume NBC director(s) did this because an entire lengthy interview, which they note is viewable on YouTube, puts a person dangerously above their recommended daily tolerance of Jason Garrett. Does Princeton acknowledge Jason Garrett? Can his constant, very public underwhelming-ness actually take the shine off freaking Princeton?
19:56 — You’d think a song colloquially referred to as the Black national anthem would be kinda catchy. Or, at least melodiously pleasant. I’m not criticizing its existence and the context which merited its creation was pretty bad, but the song itself just isn’t that good. There are probably tens of thousands of black musicians in our nation’s history who could write a much better unity-oriented national anthem better than that. I’m not saying F. Scott Key put out a stone-cold banger with our current track, and we’ve all been made aware of the problematic lyrics on the extended mix, but let’s be honest: this song doesn’t cut it. The faces of these kids singing it say, “So this is the melody, huh? Ok. I guess.”
20:01 — Shots of Mahomes’s stadium entry followed by a superfluous Mahomes segment highlighted by him throwing one cycle of catch with Chris Simms. Mahomes could be less than a half-hour away from eviscerating my favorite team on Earth and I can’t dislike the guy. Football’s not like other major sports. It’s easy to hate league-best basketball players, baseball players, hockey players, soccer players. Football virtuosos come around and you just doff the cap like, “OK. Fine. That was pretty impressive. Hate your team, but that was pretty good.” I think a lot of us Lions fans have at least 40% Stockholm syndrome-based respect for Aaron Rodgers.
20:05 — Why can’t Arrowhead, a notoriously loud stadium, produce a tomahawk chomp chant as good as Florida State’s? Is that the main difference in southern/midwestern football fandom? More middle-aged and senior yelling buttressing the youth yells? Does ESPN have an A/V advantage they deploy when they mic college football games? Maybe it’s the band, genius. But surely Arrowhead can pipe a horn rendition of that chant through their in-house sound system?
20:10 — All the chuckleheads except Dungy and Harrison picked Chiefs. Feels good. Feels right. I didn’t want them all to pick the Chiefs and I really like that the two football-iest guys picked us.
20:15 — Early game MVP is the person in charge of whitening Cris Collinsworth’s teeth. I think you can see the future in those chompers! Pause the DVR and gaze into Cris’s brilliant Moai statue-sized teeth. You’ll see flashes of big moments in your life yet to pass.
20:20 — The woman singing the national anthem looks a lot like the late, great Sally Kellerman. Apropos of nothing: going forward diary time notation will correspond to the game clock and not Eastern Daylight time. If you’re wondering why I do 24-hour time instead of AM/PM, it’s because I set a critically mistaken by AM/PM mix-up alarm — and faced heart-crushing consequences — when I was 19 and I swore I’d never make an alarm mistake again.
20:22 — One of Chris Jones’s agents/managers looks suspiciously like the Bar Rescue fella. I doubt it’s him. But that guy as an agent would be a much better show. Screaming the way he does about how valuable an athlete is, calling GMs really mean names. Now that’s tolerable reality TV.
First Quarter 15:00 — Kickoff is at 20:24. Touchback.
15:00 — First play of the season is a solid chunk of 7 yards right up the gut. Super Bowl-bound, I’d say.
14:25 — KC got good pressure and Goff had to chuck hard. Not the start we wanted, but punter Jack Fox and The Coverage Boys (I name ’em like a band b/c they rock) are Masters of the Silver Lining.
12:50 — We got decent pressure on 3rd-and-short, but Mahomes looks unflappable as ever and converts easily over the top. Oh dear.
11:30 — John Cominsky, almost every non-gym-going Lions fan’s deep-cut favorite, stops Mahomes short on 3rd-and-5!! Super Bowl-bound, I’d say.
10:50 — Four minutes and change into the book and we’re not losing. We traded glancing jabs. I’ll take it. Super Bowl-bound, pretty much no doubt whatsoever.
9:30 — Looked like another three and out for the boys, but no sirrr!!! A fake punt up the gut! Dan Campbell’s mania is effective. I love it even when it’s not. Hail to that giant dude.
8:03 — A first down pass to the Sun God! There are rumors Amon-Ra St. Brown is being considered for First-Down Catch-Making God as well. He’s up for review headed by the team at DeeIfEye, a divinity-bestowing app (very similar to Raya, less status-y) recently puchased by the hedge fund Pantheon Partners. Those dudes literally determine godhood now. Everything’s business now.
Brief side note on St. Brown: Sun God is a terrific nicnkname, but if you can have one good nickname you can have infinite mediocre ones too. I believe I’ll try work in “The Sturmin’ German”.
7:05 — Give Jared Goff time and he can make it rain. Lions nearing FG range. Running diary for football is more difficult than I remember, or maybe I only did baseball games when I last did this (Dubya administration).
6:15 — Jah Gibbs with a real humdinger of a counter to the left. Gosh he’s quick. Excitement abounds!
4:51 — David Montgomery’s acquisition was the most overlooked pickup in the league this offseason. What a truck. This running game looks potent. Passing game, too. Can we actually score first? Good gravy. Inside the ten.
2:46 — TOUCHDOOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!!! Goff was steady behind immaculate protection and given enough time to wait for Sun God on a long drag. Caps a 91-yard drive that kept Mahomes off the field for 8 minutes. Let’s just call it a season now. I’m satisfied. Stupefied and satisfied.
2:06 — Anzalone breaking up a pass epitomizes what’s been obvious all quarter: the Leos are dialed in early. As I type this Mahomes converts an easy corner route on 3rd-and-long. Ooof.
End of First Quarter — Mahomes converts a 3rd-and-6 with his legs. I can feel my blood pressure rise and I haven’t yet touched a single salty snack. If you’re reading this, acknowledge that writing a running diary really cuts into your boy’s snackage. That’s a sacrifice I choose to make. I wouldn’t call myself a “hero” per se, but you think what you want.
Second Quarter 14:25 — Mahomes gets a great pocket and picks our zone-playing secondary apart. I don’t think that’s the formula unless you really trust the pressure to get there.
13:49 — Tirico and Collinsworth note the obvious impact of Kelce’s absence, and they’re not wrong. As if to say, “So what?”, Mahomes dances through the middle of the field after narrowly avoiding a sack for an effortless-looking first down. Ooof.
11:50 — If we can’t get good pressure on like 80% of dropbacks, I don’t think we have a chance. He’s pretty much a flawless QB unless he’s harassed and knocked around to the nth degree. Anyway, touchdown for the Chief Chiefdom.
Commercial Break — It’s cute that NBC is still trying scripted shows.
11:30 — Goff sneaks into a first down after completing a nice dump-off to Brock Wright. I don’t think the Leos are affected too, too much by Arrowhead noise. GEHA noise. What a dumb acronym. Speaking of noise (typing of noise), reports said that Campbell had golf carts carrying crazy loud speakers to blast music/crowd noise right at the line of scrimmage for a few practices leading up to this. I think he’s more than just a crazy “my enthusiasm will spread to everything I touch” coach. He’s a clever and crafty football gamesman.
10:05 — Under hectic pressure, Goffmeister throws a frozen rope to the Sun God. We’re drifting into “we might be able to play with these dudes” territory. Anxiety is enlarging my Adam’s apple.
8:40 — First career catch for Sam LaPorta, the latest release from Tight End U. Good for you, Sammy! MSU guys get priority but I root for all Big Ten guys too make big impacts in the league. Lions near the red zone as Goff’s hit his last 8 throws.
7:50 — They cut to Chief faces after a Jah Gibbs screen gets a first down and they were all like, “Oh. He plays pretty fast.”
5:16 — A screen pass to ensure FG position goes horribly awry as Marv Jones fumbles away (for the first time in his career?!) to KC. Plenty of time for Mahomes to grab a lead before halftime instead of the Leos going up 10-7. Them’s the breaks. I have confidence that Campbell can alchemize this hectic first half into late-game excellence.
4:00 — Chiefs timeout. I can have a sip of beer and a sloppy helping of chips. Don’t care about anything else in this moment. Football, carbs, Reinheitsgebot and sodium.
3:54 — Three and out! Huge stand for the defense after the rare offensive miscue. Worth noting: tough, but very clean game so far. Refs letting it go hard but there’s no bullshit out there. Nice.
3:41 — Dave Montgomery pushed by our linemen is a pile that has Juggernaut from X-Men levels of unstoppability.
2:02 — Great punt coverage from the Silver Lining Special Teams, but it had to come after a lightning-quick three and out. Ball back to Mahomes, again with ample scoring time.
1:54 — I hope they don’t eliminate the Maria Taylor-Garrett-Dungy weird halftime preview. That thing was goldenly stupid.
1:07 — Hutchinson is noticeably quicker. KC Guard had to hold him egregiously on a 3rd-and-7. He’s gonna be a menace this year. We’re hanging on for a halftime tie.
0:50-0:37 — Two great tosses and catches, though the first throw almost a hospital ball, and the Chiefs are at the 4 yard line.
0:34 — Chiefs grab the lead on a touchdown. It’s so insane that we all expect this incredibly difficult thing to happen and it still happens, very frequently. Again, you just have to doff yor cap to greatness and Mahomes. 14-7 KC.
HALFTIME — Snack catch-up, dog poop/pee/take a lap exercise, one minute of breathing exercises. Gotta stay active, can’t fall into halftime doldrums.
Third Quarter 15:00 — OK. So we might be a fumble away from having a tie game here. Maybe. It’s not a blowout, we can hang. Critical we don’t let ’em score on their first drive of the half.
13:43 — Hutchinson looks like a souped-up Jared Allen. Almost had Mahomes again. Another incomplete pass later and the Leos have forced a 3rd-and-10.
13:30 — Could type the same exact thing as previous here, only now we’ve forced a punt.
12:54 — My prediction that this game would be a Kalif Raymond showcase looks astonishingly wrong so far. But my predictions are all 100% guaranteed so I’m sure something will change.
Commercial Break — those “NFL Script Meeting” commercials with fellow Lions lifer Keegan-Michael Key are funny and clever.
12:10 — A three and out deep in our own territory fosters some small worry that KC is primed to seize this thing with a little more vigor. Lion defense is gonna have to dig deep again. Kudos to Spagnuolo for bringing pressures of many different effective varieties, as predicted by your boy.
11:39 — Completely terrific pass break-up from Jack Campbell. Exactly why they drafted him. Serendipity! Hold on, defense.
10:54 — BRIAN BRANCH!! The steal of the draft steals a Chief bobble and houses it to tie the game. Hot dog! Dogs, even! My poor puppy is winding down to sleep mode and I might’ve just terrified her. That sounds cruel, but going forward it’s important she associates this time of year with seemingly random screams of joy. TOUCHDOOOOOOWN DETROIT LIONS!!!!
8:48 — Again Hutchinson menaces Mahomes into a rushed mistake. Between Hutch and the rookies there’s some big play potential on D. We got the ball back and the game is tied well into the second half. This is what I dared to hope for.
8:30 — Not a huge play, but worth noting that Jah Gibbs looks like he’s automatic for 6-7 yards on a jet sweep.
7:23 — Consecutive Goff-ies to Sun God and Iowa Sam give the Lions consecutive first downs. They’re feeling themselves a bit. Let’s hope Ben Johnson has a similar rhythm.
5:56 — An inexcusable drop from Josh Reynolds kills the potential go-ahead drive at the KC 40. Hey. Regardless of result, we’re proving we can play better than we did at our best last year. That means we can be legit contenders.
3:13 — Cam Sutton commits a 41-yard pass interference. 19 out of 20 plays the Lions are performing excellently, but the rare mistakes are proving catastrophic. Holding them to a field goal here would be a small victory.
2:14 — Speaking of rare mistakes, an awful Chiefs drop ensures that field goal we were wishing for a minute ago. 17-14 Bad Guys.
Commercial Break — I’m ambivalent towards Buffalo Wild Wings these days but how dare they exploit the noble buffalo in the fashion they are for these live-action ads. That voice is NOT how a buffalo would sound. They’d sound very refined, in a way that belies their superficially rustic and utilitarian appearance.
1:50 — A 20-yard Goffie on 2nd-and-22 makes Andy Reid’s previous play penalty acceptance look dumb, but then Ben Johnson wastes the gift with a terrible 3rd down playcall. His loyalty merited a two-season-long grace period from me. I forgive him quickly.
0:54 — Tirico just said, “The nerves are a bit frayed.” Indeed they are, Michael. I’ll note here that Mike Tirico was once a day-long guest at my high school, coming at the invitation from a truly great modern lit teacher and all-timer girl’s basketball and track coach, the late Steve Sims.
0:12 — A non-contact injury on Brian Branch frays the Tirico-mentioned nerves even more. He walks off slowly on his own legs, but he doesn’t look like he’s returning.
Fourth Quarter 15:00 — Already up 3, and with their defense turning in an outstanding performance, one can’t help but think that the Chiefs could really step on our throats if they get into the end zone here. Glenn needs to find creative ways for the pressure to get home, and quickly.
14:50 — Zero pressure on Mahomes, easy dump-off for 8 on a first down. I hate to say it but it appears they’re beginning to grind us down.
13:31 — This kind of sloppy rushing from the D-Line where they fly right past the QBs level is the same mistake(s) that cost us last year’s Philly game. We still have work to do on wrangling wily QBs.
12:16 — As if by magic, pressure finally got (almost) home from James Houston, who forces a 4th-and-2 field goal. Hope’s still alive!
12:04 — Nick Bolton might be the non-Mahomes player of the game for KC. Seriously disruptive, we cannot seem to block him well at all.
10:46 — A Frank Ragnow mistake (rag)now?! Oy. Let’s hope this is rock-bottom for the game. A Ragnow mistake is rare enough that it feels rock-bottomy. Truly great player.
10:36 — And it doesn’t matter, because the Goffmeister erases all errors! What a dime, before taking a heavy hit, to convert 3rd-and-12.
9:35 — It has to be said: the pass protection has been consistently passable, but the O-Line’s run-blocking has been either bad or stellar and never a play anywhere in between.
8:20 — A bit of Reynolds redemption as he hauls in a 33-yard heave from Goffman. The Leos look reenergized. Red zone. This game has felt like 5 different games.
7:06 — TOUCHDOOOOOWN Detroit Lions!!! Davey Montgomery and the O-line make me eat my words; the latter blocks beautifully to give the Lions a 1-point lead. Well into the fourth quarter! Just bananas. Only bananas. Iowa Sam in particular made a terrific pulling block to seal the deal. What a thrilling game. And my team is in it!
6:36 — Very reassuring that Brian Branch has returned, he looked super dicey at first.
5:07 — Andy Reid tries some wackity-shmackity but the boys sniff it out!!! KC punts away, giving the Lions a chance to take serious control of the game. Snack note: didn’t touch the cider or donuts, it’s not chilly enough here yet. Maybe Saturday with the Spartans.
5:00 — Jah Gibbs converts a 1st-and-15! I really like this dude’s running style. He’ll look like Gale Sayers against a stinky team.
3:14 — On a 3rd-and-5 biggest play of the game, we run up the middle for 3.
2:45 — With a decision that’ll really be second-guessed, the Lions fail to convert on 4th down as The Goffer’s pass gets batted like a fallen-down-the-well Bruce Wayne. Still up 1, but jeeeeez.
2:19 — A penalty made it 2nd-and-20, which quickly becomes third as CJ Gar-Jo beautifully breaks up a catch.
2:09 — The Chiefs, going for it on 4th-and-20, false start themselves to 4th-and-25. Still going for it.
2:00 — FAIL! Leos get their ball back, while my own have receded up into my thorax.
Commercial Break — The catchy tune that makes me feel young featured in tonight’s Taco Bell commercial is “Getting into Trouble w/ the Boss” by White Reaper. A fine taco-chompin’ ditty.
1:47 — The crititcal 3rd-and-2 gets converted the way it should: Davey Montgomery and a pile o’ Lions. Big ups to this O-Line. They lost it for a sec but they found it when it mattered. That…. Oughta….
0:00 — DO IT!!!! LIONS WIN!!! LIONS TAKE DOWN THE CHAMP CHIEFS!!! Holy smokes! I have an appointment at 8 AM tomorrow plus puppy’s gotta be up around 5:45. So tomorrow will be a slog. A good, prideful slog. Good thing I don’t drink like I used to.
Thank you very much for reading. I hope these improve as the season goes on. If you’ve read this far I bet you do as well. And I gotta improve my watching/workflow anyway because I will not stand for a snack-less first half again. Tell ya that RIGHT NOW. Goooo Lions!!! Auf Wiedersehen!
