It’s a testament to the NFL’s ability to stoke anticipation that, despite my team having no chance at glory for many consecutive years, opening weekend has nevertheless excited me to an almost festive degree. This year, my team doesn’t suck! The excitement is higher. I won’t belabor the point, suffice it to say I’m arranging the schedule that comes with raising a new puppy around the viewing of a Thursday evening football game and a ~12 hour Sunday block; that this is mildly irresponsible behavior should be noted. But such is the mania of a Detroit Lions fan when the Detroit Lions appear to not be doomed. In this fandom, at this time, that is the benchmark for which we strive: even if it’s only at the onset, please don’t be doomed.
Welcome to the predictions post. The second post. Which is the first post since the first post, and the first post to deviate from the more broadly narrative format of the first post. This is the first post to directly address this season’s football games. Directly addressing the contemporary football games themselves is a sound strategy for a football blog. You, dear reader, will undoubtedly agree that in every sense, I’m off to a good start. This predictions post is — as all my prediction posts will be — guaranteed to eventually prove 100% correct, no exceptions. Enough introduction!
PLAYER AWARDS
MVP – Trevor Lawrence, OPOY – Josh Allen, DPOY – Quinnen Williams, RsOTY – Jahmyr Gibbs, Jalen Carter
DIVISIONS (fwiw divisions are predicted in the following orders: conference acronym alphabetically and then geographically clockwise startin’ up top).
AFC North — Browns 12-5 Bengals 11-6 Steelers 7-10 Ravens 5-12. I believe in the Browns and I want this to happen because Deshaun Watson is a pretty extreme case study of the theory that Ws cure all PR ills.
AFC East — Bills 12-5 Dolphins 11-6 Jets 9-8 Patriots 5-12. I felt confident before last year’s Week 18 game that we were gonna beat Rodgers. Felt like decent evidence that his ceiling has lowered considerably. He’ll still have moments of brilliance but I foresee some stinkers as well.
AFC South — Jaguars 12-5 Titans 9-8 Colts 8-9 Texans 3-14. I don’t know one person who cares about this division, myself included. I guess it’s fun watching Lawrence when he’s slingin.
AFC West — Chiefs 12-5 Raiders 11-6 Chargers 9-8 Broncos 6-11. Probably the best division again. Super mixed feelings on Bran Staley.
NFC North — Lions 12-5 Packers 8-9 Vikings 6-11 Bears 4-13. I’m terrified about openly predicting a 12-win Lions team, but I expect some surprising Ws and — critical to the prediction — only one or two stinkers (last year we had four).
NFC East — Eagles 11-6 Giants 8-9 Cowboys 7-10 Comms 3-14. Eagles might only lose that much due to nebulous Supe hangover stuff.
NFC South — Bucs 11-6 Saints 8-9 Falcons 7-10 Panthers 4-13. Can’t go all chalk, and I crazily like Baker in an offense that kiiind of reminds me of his peak Cleve years.
NFC West — Rams 12-5 Niners 12-5 Seahawks 10-7 Cards 7-9. Stafford’s last year of greatness and worth a few finskies on an MVP bet. Niners, as usual, really good.
PLAYOFFS
AFC — Browns over Bills || NFC — Lions over Niners
Supe 58 — Lions over Browns. Remember the fall of 2003 when we were staring down the barrel of a Red Sox v. Cubs World Series? The curses prevailed back then. But this year, the NFL’s postseason will be a collision course of the cursed. And inevitably, identically infelicitous football teams meet in the Supe. And in that Supe, just as nature dictates, Detroit over Cleveland.
