***SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Vote. VOTE!! Failing to vote is not only an ignorant and self-destructive behavior, it’s an insult to our ancestors. Voting is a hallowed privilege and should be treated with diligence and reverence. Please make sure you vote. Do it early at your convenience or do it Tuesday, but it’s very important that you vote. END OF SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT***
Stressful times, these. Not only is it an election year and an early November fraught with its usual craziness, but gosh damn: I live in swing-state Michigan. Every single political race — local, state, and federal alike — has just been hammering us with texts and TV ads. I’m sitting here, knowing exactly for whom I’ll vote since, like, the middle of summer, and I’m trying to focus on this game against the hated Packers. But literally every 15-20 minutes it’s *ding* “Your support is needed now more than ever”. I voted early, thinking it would be help me rid the election from my mind, but I was grossly mistaken in that assumption. If you vote early the ads just feel more pointless and meaningless and a small part of you resents the ads more. You already voted, you shouldn’t be subject to this madness anymore. It doesn’t make sense, but the deluge of doublespeak messaging you’ve endured has driven you ~20% insane. You start to see patterns where none exist. You imagine the ad buyers doing it out of personal spite for you. You think to yourself, “Don’t they know I’m spoken for? They’re just trying to ruin my morning. I’m watching last night’s Seth Meyers here, I got my coffee, and these parasitic PACs are exacting a personal vendetta against my morning routine.” While I often found myself in vehement disagreement with John McCain’s foreign policy positions, he was so right on with regard to campaign finance reform. I have this (only half) crackpot theory that the top-level cabal of shadowy lever-pullers on the right pushed McCain to run for President in ’08 as a long-term move to shift his focus away from that critical issue and it indirectly contributed to them getting the Citizens United decision. Anyway, we’re all paying for it now by being pushed into periodic ersatz lunacy by this completely relentless onslaught of infinitely-funded political advertisements. Sorry to get political, but I might not even really have a choice. My brain is just packed full of this crap. Speaking of “pack” and “crap”: the Lions head to Wisconsin this weekend to take on a team represented by the most insufferable fan base in professional football. The game at Minnesota was a thorough warm-up for the division gauntlet, but now that gauntlet is well and fully here now and it’s time for the Lions to play as mean and as tough as they can. If you listen to the noise coming out of Packerland this week, they’re doing this weird thing where it’s obvious they’re feeling cocky about the matchup, but they’re couching that message in this half-victim stance where they’re calling the Lions cocky. It’s cheesehead gaslighting. The previously mentioned insufferable Pack fans are equally as full of baloney. Speaking just for myself, I haven’t wanted a Lions win this bad in a long time. This makes me nervous. I still am haunted by those historic ghosts of wanting a Lions win very badly only to be devastated by catastrophe. It’s natural that eventually the brain links and associates the two things with one another. I sought to ease this internal malaise (the political and the Packer-borne) this week, so I went back to my old friend transcendental meditation. It’s not a panacea but it’s kinda close. In fact, that should be the slogan for it. Long story short, I achierved a (only very slightly) higher state of consciousness about not only political outcomes but (less boringly) football outcomes. I know the Lions will play with focus and toughness. They won’t be intimidated by a loud crowd or a historically significant stadium. They have talented players who give their best every single down. The results don’t matter as much as one would think. It’s not early in the season anymore, but it’s not yet late. This is only our second division game of 6, and we’ll see these bastards again at Ford Field regardless of Sunday’s outcome. So before the game today, take 15-20 minutes, close your eyes, focus on a mantra and rhythmically control your breathing. Everything will come full circle because everything exists in a reality designed to make it so. With this peaceful outlook and heightened awareness, let’s take a look at some picks.
WEEK NINE: NOT GOING TO STOP ‘TIL YOU WISE UP
Last Week: 3-2-0, Season: 23-18-0, Lifetime: 78-47-3
Last week could’ve been a sweet 5-0 (a mark we hit several times last season but have yet to achieve thus far in 2024) if not for some truly awful Hail Mary defense by the Bears and the totally inexplicable lack of killer instinct in the Texans. I’ll admit final defeat on picking the Houston Texans. I’ll tap out. I completely lack the ability to read that team and determine their output. No more picking a game featuring the Texans (well, until next week when I’m forced to pick their game against the Leos). This week feels tough to pick like last week does. But when you’re on the tee box and it’s a dog leg so hard you’re driving blind, you swing like John Daly. I’m not gonna repeat John Daly’s worn-out little catchphrase because I have a modicum of self-respect. But if you know, you know. Let’s dive in.
Broncos (+9) @ Ravens — The Broncos do some things well, and I may have slightly underrated Bo Nix. But I have yet to see a Ravens misstep this season that wasn’t almost completely self-inflicted. They can muscle these Broncos around like the Chargers did, only more so. Factor in that they’re coming in a little pissed off and I think this is a game where Lamar and King Henry combine for >35 carries. That to me is their winning formula and I think Harbaugh the Greater is realizing this. Knowing they have to keep up with the Steelers will hone their focus as well. It’s a big line, but Baltimore is still two weight classes above an admittedly improved Denver squad. Gimme the Edgar Allans.
Raiders (+7) @ Bengals — You’ll sense a pattern after this pick. Even though I swore off the Bengals for the season after their truly awful collapse at home against the Ravens, they’re playing the Raiders, who aren’t excellent at anything. They have one truly good player and he can be 90% neutralized because he has zero help. I’m taking another AFC North heavy home fave. It’s an AFC North weekend. Who Dey.
Bears (+1.5) @ Cardinals — I always like the idea of a team gelling after a disaster like the Bears had at Washington. The true measure of a team is shown in the aftermath of a catastrophe like that, and I like what I’ve seen/heard from the Bears this week. In the locker room, I’m sure there were guys livid at Tyrique Stevenson for his nonsense. But nothing untoward came out publicly and they moved on like professionals. I think that’s a sign of a maturing team/organization. And by gosh, Caleb has to — must — have a true coming-out party sooner or later. It has to happen. He looks shaky back there at times but if you watch their games you can see the potential for seriously good stuff. The Cards aren’t bad but this isn’t the best matchup for them, the Bears play like a lesser Lions squad. And there’ll be a lot of Chicagoans in the stands. Broad Shoulders.
Buccaneers (+9.5) @ Chiefs — I always like the Chiefs in primetime games. They’re a crew that likes to show out when the lights are brightest and this is the Monday Nighter. Baker has a little of that mojo in him as well, but he’s still without Mike Evans this week. I don’t see a lot of offense coming from the Bucs (again) and I think the Chiefs can manage at least 27. Call it a math + mojo pick. Chiefs Chiefdom.
Lions (-2.5) @ Packers — I covered how much a I dislike the Packers above. But looking at it objectively, they’re pretty good. They’ve piecemealed some solid wins to get to this point and with Love back under center they’re tuned all the way up for this one. I love my Leos, and the truest love I can show them is by picking their games honestly, without blind homerism. The previous sentence should indicate which way I’m leaning. I just think the Packers are gonna give us their A+ game here. And we’ve been firing on (almost) all cylinders for so many weeks in a row, the pendulum has to swing back a little bit. I’m gonna try and buy this W. Regrettably, gimme the sonsabitches from Green Bay.
That’s it for Week Nine. By the time we post our next batch (side note: gonna start saying “charlie” instead of “batch”, for obvious reasons. If that happens in the future and you’re befuddled, this was your warning.) of picks, we’ll have a new President-elect. We might well have a drastically new tack on which our nation sails forth. My sincerest hope is that we can remember that our fates are tied together in so many different ways. If things don’t go your way election day, you can despair for a little while, but what’s more important is that you get up and affect positive change throughout the rest of time in between elections. Casting your vote is important, but being active and civically-minded the other 364 days of the year gets more done. Regardless of what happens, have faith in your fellow citizens, know that the United States will endure and, over the long term, become a more perfect union. Have a great weekend of football but, more importantly, make sure you’ve voted. Auf Wiedersehen, meine Freunde!
