Dummkopf is German for idiot. The literal translation is “dumb head” but the practical translation is idiot. I make this differentiation because “dumb” is teetering on becoming unusable because these days due to us becoming (I would argue rightfully) more sensitive to marginalized communities. Specifically in this case, the community of people who are unable to speak. We strive to avoid offending people who are unable to speak. Before we get started, I want to touch on that. For at least two and a half decades, I didn’t know that “dumb” was a word used to describe a medical condition. I knew the word, pretty much exclusively, as interchangeable with “stupid”. I think if the non-speaking community let that proverbial sleeping dog lie, they could’ve rid themselves of the word forever. I think very few people from the late 20th century and onward were using the word dumb to mean “incapable of verbal speech”. But hey, if the non-speaking community wishes to claim the word only to ask for it not to be used, that’s their prerogative. I have neither beef nor problem in complying with their wishes. I will say, however that using the German word that practically translates as “idiot” and only includes a phonetic sound-alike to “dumb” doesn’t qualify as discriminatory or mean. So we’re sticking with it, and I hereby present The Dummkopf-Off. The Dummkopf-Off is our newly minted contest in which we decide who had the stupidest week. You might think, “Why be so negative? There was some really fun stuff that happened in Week Two!” I respectfully disagree. Week Two was just a bummer burrito with a side of self-loathing salsa. Moronic food metaphor aside, let’s answer the question. Who was dumber in Week Two: the NFL and its media partners, the smattering of NFL coaches we’ll talk about in short order, or your boy for ignoring multiple well-worn gambling tenets and stumbling into a losing picks week?
First contender: the NFL and its media partners. Why start 10 games at 13:00 and only 3 games around 16:30? What’s the point of this? This week’s not much better — a 9/4 split — but 10/3 is so dumb. The poor fella on the RedZone looks like the pre-fame Howard Beale in Network. The multi-view on YouTube TV feels like a waste. You’re still watching less than 50% of the available games, and now they’re all kinda tiny. And then in the latter block, there’s not even enough games to fill up said multi-view! One assumes there must be a good reason for this odd scheduling. Why won’t the NFL tell us what it is? I don’t mind mystery. Sometimes I like it. But I hate inexplicable mystery that seems stupid. There must be some rationale behind this ostensible idiocy, right? Why doesn’t the league share that rationale?! Are there people at the league who get their jollies from watching football fans not knowing why they schedule so lop-sidedly? The NFL’s silly scheduling and the willingness of its media partners to agree makes for a strong case in the Dummkopf-off.
Second contender: Lions coaches, Ravens coaches, Colts coaches. We’ll start with the two teams we don’t really care about. Over the last few seasons, the Ravens have become the league’s gold standard for blowing 4th-quarter leads, especially at home. But my gosh did Week Two’s failure against the Ravens take the cake. Why? Because they have Derrick Henry now! The 6’3”, 250-lb, fast-moving wrecking ball that is tailor-made to close out games with a late lead. Football’s Mariano Rivera, in a sense. And the Ravens thought it wise to limit this hoss’s 4th quarter carries to two. It takes some special idiocy to lose at home to a Raiders team over which you have a 10-pt 4th quarter lead, but Harbaugh the Greater and his cohorts pulled it off masterfully. As for the Colts, what really can be said? They lost a game to Malik Willis. You might look at Willis’s stat line and say, “But wait, he had a solid game.” Yeah, that’s the point. He was able to be solid because the Packers were able to run the ball. Indy’s coaches had one job: completely load the box so the Green Bay run looked like a leg-braced Forrest Gump. They failed to see this obvious strategy and enabled the Packer to ham-n-egg them to death, which is an incredible feat for Green Bay since the Willis portion of the ham-n-egg (seems like an egg to me) is not very good. Green Bay has a solid defense, so the poor offensive output from Indy is at least understandable, but a defensive strategy that forces Malik Willis into throwing only 14 times is an organizational failure of high magnitude. As for the coaches of my beloved Lions, their performance was way worse. Dan Campbell’s unfocused and harried blunder to end the first half took three points off the board, a big no-no in a tight game and a huge factor in the Lions needing to press for a touchdown late. But the far more obvious failures lie at the feet of Ben Johnson. When Aaron Glenn and the defense hold a solid team like the Bucs to 20 points, you have to win that game. One way to ensure the Lions don’t keep pace is to pass the ball like you’re playing Madden. And not even just playing Madden, but goofing around in Madden. The Lions have a great running game, Tampa Bay gives up ~5 yards a carry even when they have All-Pro Vita Vea (whom they lost to injury for most of the game), and Johnson dials up 55 pass plays? Fifty-five? That’s a ludicrous number under almost any circumstance with the personnel the Lions have, but especially so in the game they were playing. Someone needed to throw a wet sponge at Ben Johnson’s head in the third quarter this past Sunday. He’d presumably go, “What the hell?”, and then the person who threw the sponge could yell as loud as they could, “Run the freaking ball! We’re trying to win the game!” Alas, there were no wet sponges around nor was there anyone keen on throwing one at his head. Because he called a good overtime and the Lions won their tilt against LA, Johnson was largely let off the hook in Week One. But this makes two consecutive weeks in which the offensive play-calling has been suspect at best. If the Lions are going to seriously contend for a Super Bowl, every part of the team needs to be working fairly well. But even if that occurs, it’ll all be for nought if the plays that get called up are as stupid as they were in Week Two against the Bucs.
Third contender: Me, for my idiotic picks. I knew I was picking poorly; blatantly, cockily ignoring the very advice I was quoting by taking a bunch of favorites in Week Two. Stupid. Not much else needs to be said, really. Ignore the rules at one’s own peril. Ignore the rules that one’s own self is quoting while breaking them, that’s at least double peril.
There’s no physical award to the winner of the Dummkopf-off. It’s more of a snarky designation. In fact, it’s not an actual award as much as it’s a lazy framing device for a week-in-review. Here are the quick-hit picks for Week 3. I’m hoping brevity and some high-ranking judo style reverse jinxing is the cure for our pick woes.
WEEK THREE: NO MUSS, VERY LITTLE FUSS.
Last Week: 2-3-0, Season: 5-5-0, Lifetime: 60-35-3.
Bears (+1.5) @ Colts — Caleb and this offense have to come out of their shell against this Indy deef, and on the reverse side of the ball, Tone Richie won’t be able to put up very many points. Bears.
Texans (-1.5) @ Vikings — I can’t see this Vikings team being 3-0, especially with a possibly-hobbled J. Jeffy, and the Texans appear to be very solid. I feel like they rally around the chicanery that knocked out Joe Mixon, so gimme the Texans.
Eagles (+2.5) @ Saints — The Saints have put up a lot of points and the Eagles blew an extremely winnable game against Atlanta. This is a bet based on the up/down theory, a theory in which I have many years’s worth of faith. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles.
Chiefs (-3) @ Falcons — Give Cousins & Co. credit for taking advantage of Philly’s ridiculous miscues, but they’re not on the same level as the Chiefs. I have no problem at all laying 3 here, even with the Chiefs running back room looking meth-head thin. Chiefs.
Lions (-3) @ Cardinals — I expect the Lions to have undergone a complete reset in the time since the Week Two debacle. Coaches will have their heads on straight on that will show through a team that plays with the focus, discipline, and courageous commitment to the run to which we became accustomed last year. Gimme those Lions!
That’s it for Week Three. Frustration with the Football Gods abounds, but at least the summer finally appears to be thinking about ending. Honestly it’s still way too hot. We’re nearing the end of September and there’s still highs in the 80s. Ridiculous. Get it together, Earth. I imagine the staff here at MichaelWritesTheLions will be in a much better posting mood next week, but who knows? Auf Wiedersehen!
