One of my favorite SNL parodies, borne out of the fact that I had a genuine fondness for the source material, was the late, great Norm MacDonald’s impression of Larry King doing a live reading of his weekly USA Today column, which King would weirdly sometimes do on his own show? Of that, I’m not even sure. Anyway, this same stream-of-consciousness-veiled form of (some would say) laziness in writing was also parodied on the venerated Larry Sanders Show by Jeffrey Tambor’s Hank Kingsley in the “Hank’s Thoughts” portion of his newsletter. In one episode, we’re privy to Hank “writing” the column, in so much as we witness Hank dictating whatever spontaneous bullshit comes into his mind while his unnecessarily diligent secretary writes down every word, never missing a nugget of the gold.
This is that column for me, but with at least a modicum of direction and focus: a wish list for what I’d like to see this NFL offseason; things I’d like to happen, be they player moves, rule changes, other unrelated stuff, etc. I’m titling it “If I Had My Druthers” because 1) that’s a phrase that doesn’t get enough play anymore, and 2) it feels very parodic of Larry King and Hank Kingsley and the way they both evoke an unintentionally odd touch of class. Without further ado, let’s begin!
I want Justin Fields out of the NFC North, and pronto.
I’ve gotta say, even as a historically hapless and downtrodden Lions fan, the Bears haven’t been that much better in my lifetime. Them, the Browns, most of the time the Bills and the Cardinals: teams that have helped me keep it in perspective for the last few decades. Aside from a few close but no cigar years, the Bears have had aimless and clueless GMs making almost as many bad decisions as their Detroit counterparts did. I’m not too proud to admit it’s been good schadenfreude, because I think Bears fans ride 1985 and the one great team they’ve ever had to this undeserved cockiness about being a “marquee franchise” or some shit. I get the feeling that in their mind the NFC North primarily features them and the Packers — which they insanely view as peers — and occasionally the other guys have a moment. More than on-field results, I get a special joy when I see the Bears make ridiculous personnel decisions. The draftings of Trubisky and Kevin White elated me. I remember my jaws aching from laughter when I heard their new coach was Marc Trestman, a name I only knew as a 30 Rock joke. The Bears have had a fine share of anti-moments, but this gross mishandling of Fields and their unprecedented draft positioning/capital truly takes the cake. Some people are of the opposite opinion I’m about to state, but they’re wrong: Fields is good. He’s really good. He can play QB really well. He’s mostly durable and huge and can do all the things you want a QB to do well. His weakness is that he’s a front-runner. It’s why he was mostly incredible at Ohio State but only decent when he was playing a fantastic defense. If he doesn’t have supreme confidence in his teammates to win 9/10 of their own matchups, he tries to be a hero because he thinks it’s the best chance to make winning plays. This seems so obvious to me. If he had a good team he’d be a Pro Bowler. It’s true he’ll cost more in the future than Caleb would, but Caleb is not even close to a sure thing. Fields, you know, can play. Trade back and fill multiple holes. There’s almost no doubt it’s the best way forward for the team at this point. Unless Bears GM Ryan Poles is throwing up an all-time smokescreen — and huge kudos to him if that’s the case — the Bears seem set on trading away Fields and starting over with Caleb. Cool with me. As long as this really dynamic, young quarterback capable of 30+ points/game if surrounded by the right guys is getting traded away, let’s have him go to the QB-rich AFC. Get him out of the Lions’s hair almost completely. My short list, in descending order of fun: Steelers, Pats (if they can keep a Marv Har-J pick at #3), Dolphins (would require a move-on from Tua, but not impossible) Browns, Raiders, Broncos. I predict that if Fields goes to one of those six teams he’ll flourish (relatively) and have the Bears rueing the day they shipped him out while Caleb flings a one-footed helicopter across the field into an opposing linebacker.
It’d be nice to see Kirk Cousins have a “two years, let’s ride off with a title”-type contract on a team with a real shot at the Super Bowl. He deserves it.
One thing that was nice to see in Peter King’s farewell column was Kirk Cousins so high in his “nicest QB” rankings. It was not surprising for anyone who’s followed Kirk for a long time, but to be that high on the list! And a list of Peter King, no less — a man not prone to recency bias. Kirk Cousins is a great underdog story. Very, very lightly recruited. Waits until the 11th hour until his only power conference offer came in from Michigan State. Wins the QB job over vaunted recruit and fellow west Michigander Keith Nichol. Leads State to great heights, but not thought of highly as an NFL prospect. Eventually wins the Redskins QB job over Bob Griffin, which — and this has been lost because of Griffin’s steep decline —seemed incredible at the time. Expertly plays his contract situation but does it without seeming scum-baggy. Ends up on Minnesota and has been a very good QB and terrific face of the franchise. The only thing missing, unfortunately, is the consistent winning in the clutch. That’s no small asterisk. For whatever reason, it just seems like his teammates slightly waiver in their belief in him. Maybe that’s a subconscious result of what can sometimes be uneven regular season play. Regardless, the must-haves almost always seem to escape Kirk Cousins’s Vikings. I’d like for him to have a change in scenery, but this is second because I want it slightly less than I want to see Fields out of the NFC. Kirk’s injury complicates things long-term, so how about a short contract with heavy incentive and light guarantees? He can afford to make team fit a priority over dollars. So, the teams on which I’d like him to land, after Fields and in order of fun-ness and with no other considerations are: Steelers, Browns, Cowboys, Dolphins, Seahawks, Jets (if he’d deign to be backup insurance).
This is the perfect time for the Lions to mix their patient approach and a “go for it RIGHT NOW” ethos.
The Lions have terrific building blocks in place. The biggest loss, if it even happens, will be Jonah Jackson. He’s great, to be sure, and a key part of our best and most crucial position group, the O-Line. I hope we keep him. I think we can if we really want him, and O-Line chemistry/continuity can be pretty important, but his salary will not be low. If we want to go a different route we have great cap flexibility. We won’t have to take care of Sewell and Hutch for 1-3 years, we can stagger those. This gives us a flex-y season (this one) to get creative and supplement our team with a hungry, proven veteran. Maybe two. The great thing about having an unquestionable Leader Of Men coach in Dan Campbell is you can have an unlimited amount of veteran leaders in the locker room and you’ll never get a “too many chefs in the kitchen” situation. Because the biggest kitchen is always the team as a whole, and there’s only one chef. Big Chef. Chef Caffeine Crazy. Three positions of need glare from the Leo roster: cornerback, edge rusher, interior lineman. I wouldn’t mind any late-round pick at ‘backer, DT and/or kicker. Let’s hope the Lions can do a big free agent signing at one of these three afforementioned heavily-needed positions, a medium-sized contract at another, and two draft picks at the third. No worries about players in specific, I trust Holmes and Co. to get the right guys, although I will say if we can somehow fall into Chop Robinson that seems like it’d be a blessing. The larger point is this is a pretty good draft specific to our positions of need. If Holmes can get a class that’s 75% as good as the last one that’ll be a gigantic boost to the team. Some local scuttlebutt has us signing a newly-tagged L’Jarius Sneed. He’s the exact kind of feisty cornerback I like, but he’s coming off two titles! That gives me at least a small worry he won’t be a 100% player all the time. I believe Jason Kelce said in his retirement speech, “A hungry dog runs faster.” The Lions players who interviewed at the Pro Bowl sure said the right things re: focus on winning the shebang next year, and they seemed sincere. I think the organization knows that we’re close. I bet our guys watched that Super Bowl and were like, “Bros, we can do this.” I think everyone uses bro “ironically”.
Let’s not shelve Russell Wilson just yet, folks. A puncher’s chance is still a chance.
It seemed strangely clear from the get-go that Sean Payton was not a huge Russell Wilson fan. That whole thing where he publicly shamed him for having his own workout guys present? The on-camera dressing downs Sean gave Russ on the sidelines? Season one in Denver seemed like a roster-assessing mulligan for Payton. So Russ is out. But in my mind he has one last ride in him, much like his several-time collegiate opponent Kirk Cousins. The question is where? Unlike Fields, who still has the promise of upside, and Cousins, who has recent statistical success, Russ has a recent history of bad, bad QB play. But maybe Denver was just a bad scene for him? Maybe he could so okay if he was playing behind a stalwart defense and had an all-World receiver? And lemme ask you this: isn’t past-his-prime Russ still a safer bet than Aidan O’Connell? It’s obvious where I’m going with this, where Russ should go with it: Vegas! Can the Raiders get Russ and re-sign Josh Jacobs. If I’m Russ, I’m willing to play for slightly cheaper, since the Broncos are still paying me stupid money. Plus, the idea of someone as openly pious as Russ playing in Sin City is kinda funny. It’s kinda like an NFL version of the first few episodes of Our Flag Means Death, pirate theme to boot.
Saquon Barkley, I think you need to stay Gigantic and get paid gigantic.
The Giants can’t let this guy walk! He’s one of, like, eight game-changing running backs in the league, and arguably the most consistently good one. Reports are that he’d go to Dallas, too?! The Giants would be silly to let this happen. They’d have no offensive identity, their wide receivers are maybe the most anonymous position group in the league, and they’re in New York! This is a draft deep in O-Linemen and it seems like receivers too. Danny Jones is by no means a world beater, but with solid guys at all 10 other spots, he’s competent enough to get Ws. I don’t think he’s a huge step down from Dak Prescott, tbh. There’s a great coach at the helm in New York, too. That’s not nothing. To go from a Daboll-coached team to a McCarthy-coached one would feel like you got zapped by a dumb ray! Maybe the Cowboys still have some sort of magical allure to players, like the Lakers have in the NBA. But the Lakers are in Los Angeles. I don’t get it. I don’t understand the magic allure of the Cowboys. Is it Roger Staubach? The cheerleaders? Whatever. Don’t go to Dallas, Saquon. As a Lions fan and as a guy who hates seeing free agents sign with the Cowboys, Yankees and Lakers.
That’s it for the NFL Wish List. Remember to take Garlique! Auf Wiedersehen!
