We’re gonna get looser with the format and the flow this week. No outlining, no forethought of any kind, nothing resembling a through line; just stream of consciousness expressed in writing. Pod F. Tompkast opening segment-style riff-o-rama. No thinking, just reacting. That’s how I want the team to play so this is an effort to channel that energy to Los Leones. Here goes.
Last week being The Week From Hell works out kinda nice. It feels good to (hopefully) get it out of the way. Y’know how AMC and SyFy and Freeform and whoever else run horror movies all month long? If you’re a hardcore horror person, the whole month rules. But if you’re a horror dilettante like your boy, the first few weeks are all but skippable. They show better quality movies as the month progresses. They get the middling “meh” inducers out of the way so the latter part of the month contains the non-stepped-on pure stuff. The earlier weeks of the month are when you get your Hellraisers and your Amityville Whateverthefucks and your.. your Jeepers Creepers (woof). Only as they get closer to the pertinent date do they play the goody goodies like your Screams, your Psycho, your Halloween (only the original, come on), Elm Streets, Fri 13ths, and — don’t knock it until you’ve watched it and its David Copperfield-laden glory — Terror Train. I’m thinking that’s what happened to the Lions. That’s my sincere and legitimate working theory for what went wrong in Baltimore: the boys were all fired up to play and they’re all fans of good horror movies, but the ones on TV were less than stellar and it took the wind out of their collective sails. The boys wanted to feel like Michael Myers: destructive, menacing and unstoppable. But Mikey wasn’t on the tube. So they felt/played like what they saw, which was Cenobites: weird, leathery little half-perverts who seem like they’d be just awful at American gridiron football. I’m making the distinction because I absolutely think the Cenobites would be excellent at soccer. My point is: now, the good stuff is on TV. The Lions are back, baby! Etch this in fine marble: because the quality of cable TV’s horror movie offerings has incrementally increased, the Lions are going to play better football this week.
Football’s not an exact science, everyone. Don’t know what to tell ya.
The Raiders are coming into town. It’s fun to say “The Rrrraaaiders” like Chris Berman says it, but you gotta really exaggerate the impression so people know you’re aping him with a bit of irony. It’s a stale and, frankly, trite footballism that’s difficult to stand by with sincerity. Nevertheless, the Rrrraaaiders are in town on the night before Halloween, or as Detroiters know it, Devil’s Night. I’m not 100% sure on this, but I think the name Devil’s Night came about after Detroit and its people decided it would be good practice to save up their unbridled joy of arson in order to express it more fully on each year’s October 30th. What about our fair city made us start suggesting to each other “hey, let’s light this building on fire” is best left to imagination’s potential for absurdity, and the arson stuff has largely cooled off, but the name remains and we’re the richer for it. I saw a map once that said most of the USA calls the 30th “Halloween Eve”. You DORKS. You goody-two-shoe, non-arsony dorks. If a few likely otherwise doomed houses had to combust for the metro Detroit area to gain such a unique and cool name for a day of the year, I say that’s a good trade.
Speaking of trades, the Lions are potentially at a critical decision-making juncture and it might concern a trade. Despite last week, we believe we’re contenders. Contenders with concerns, though. Chief of which is the myriad of injuries. They’re really starting to take their toll, especially in the secondary. One idea that was floated and got some ink this week was trading some draft capital for Patrick Surtain Jr., the truly outstanding cornerback on the season’s-probably-over-already Broncos. He’s young and very good, and he’ll be expensive in the near future, but he seems like a good investment. If he’s anything like his old man, time will prove he’ll probably be worth the trade cost and the large contract he’ll want. But Coach Danny said this week — and I perceived this statement to be in response to the press-driven trade rumors — that he and Brad Holmes both feel comfortable with the current personnel and wouldn’t want to (paraphrasing) mess with the team’s chemistry. Personally, I think our team’s chemistry could/should be able to handle the arrival of a very high-end player and the subsequent roster displacement. It’s professional football, not The Babysitters Club. Being afraid of adding superior talent to the roster because it might upset the feelings of players who might not be as good; that’s being too concerned with chemistry and you’re favoring it over results. And also, if your chemistry can’t handle that kind of meritocratic development, how strong was said chemistry in the first place, really? Were it up to me, I’d explore almost all possible avenues to completing that deal if the Broncos happened to be so inclined.
We’ll keep it in the AFC West and go back to the Raiders. I mentioned in an earlier column that I have Team B’d for the Raiders in years past. I’ll admit here that a lot of that was due to that awesome Sam Spence NFL Films song that was specifically for them. The song was titled — hold on to your hats — ‘The Raiders’. Firstly, it epitomizes the feeling of football as much as any song ever has. Secondly, it was pretty cool that a franchise got their own song. Especially that franchise, the NFL’s all-time franchise leader in “you all can fuck off” attitude. As a lifelong devotee of the Bad Boy Pistons, I state that the Raiders have a very similar appeal. Third, what made it extra cool was the fact that the song is awesome — one of the best in Sam Spence’s oeuvre, which is quite extensive — and it feels very appropriate, very Raideresque. As far as musical mojo intangibles go, the Raiders have the edge against everybody, including our Lions. ‘Gridiron Heroes’ is a pretty good fight song, but if we’re being honest it’s not in the same league. Their’s isn’t even a fight song. It’s a pillage song. The Lions should get a song that bears conceptual symmetry to the team name. How about this: the Lions commission someone for an additional song we could all sing. I’m imagining we’d do best with a drum-heavy, hypnotically repetitive, chant-able song like a bunch of Maasai warriors might sing if they were singing about lions. Remember how cool it sounded in Black Panther when M’Baku and his tribe entered the waterfall area and interrupted T’Challa’s coronation ceremony? I want something that sounds like that, something that Lions fans can chant non-stop at a game and throughout tailgate like the more fervent Euro soccer crowds do. This might not be politically correct (I’m truly not sure), and not to get all “geography and endemic fauna” buff on you, but lions are African. Maybe instead of a commission they could hold a contest to create a team chant and the prize would be whatever they’d pay for a commission. I bet good Detroit musicians in search of long-lasting clout would/could submit several — hell, two dozen — absolute gems and make the choice difficult. Just an idea. Just another flawless idea. No big deal.
LIONS v. RAIDERS — DETROIT CAN HANDLE PIRATES
This is a lot of preamble without any specific talk about the upcoming game. That’s because, really, I don’t know what to think. The spread is so huge (Lions -8 at press time). That alone makes for an anxious pick. Garoppolo’s uncertain status is another trepidation multiplier in many different ways. Him playing (or not) could be a blessing (or a curse). He’s a complete crapshoot back there, but by the same token, who’s to say anything certain about Aidan O’Connell? And what if Hoyer plays? Does he have a late-career magic game in him? OK, maybe that one’s unlikely. But still, the most important spot on the Raiders is double question mark. And as I’ve stated, our secondary is nowhere near full strength. It looks like Jerry Jacobs will return, but this definitely isn’t the unit that won at Arrowhead. If we allow whichever QB a lot of time, they’ll figure out ways to get on the board. This game might be tougher than our fanbase seems to collectively think it will be.
Ah, forget it. I’m picking the Lions. Our crowd’s gonna be bananas, our defense is going to be too ferocious for whoever they have under center, and the whole team is gonna be eagerly awaiting this chance to wash away the stink that lingers from last week.
OTHER BOO-TIFUL (like “Beautiful” but ghost) GAMES
Patriots (+9.5) @ Dolphins — I was wrong picking against the Pats last week but I’m stubbornly going the same way again. I just don’t think the Pats are that great. I’m liking Miami to bounce back big after a tough loss. And the Pats had a really hard time winning in Miami even when Tom Brady was tossing. I think the speed on Miami’s offense can’t be countered by New England’s depleted defense. Miami’s gonna cover this huge spread.
Eagles (-7) @ Commanders — Philly looked great last week against Miami, which is a good reason, this season, to not pick them this week against DC. The up/down theory is frequently proving correct, especially when applied to teams near the top. But I think they’ll be uniquely focused and stoked for this matchup. They’re a prideful bunch, but Washington has truly given them fits as of late, by far more than any other divisional foe. I think the Eagles will relish this chance to completely quash any notions that they’re not the class of the East, if not the entire NFC. The Eagles will win convincingly. I feel like Philly’s ready to go on a roll.
Chiefs (-7.5) @ Broncos — I was surprised the line was this low. Maybe this is factoring in a fired-up crowd and a “you’re getting our best game” Broncos, plus the altitude? Even with all that, the Chiefs are way better. I’d sincerely be shocked if they didn’t win this game by at least 10. So taking the Chiefs and laying the touchie-and-a-half seems like a good call.
Bears (+8.5) @ Chargers — If the Chargers are a legitimate contender squad, if Herbert is the kind of QB that can lead a team to a championship, they have to prove they’re better than a play-to-the-level-of-the-opponent type of team. Full acknowledging the cliché of the phrase, this is a textbook Take Care of Business game for the Chargers. They’ve looked pedestrian so far, this is their chance to change their fortunes. Their offense is better than the Bears’s deef. Their deef should annihilate the Bears’s O. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. Another cliché, for good measure: it’s not the Xs and Os, it’s the Jims and Joes. The Chargers are the pick, for they have much better James’s and Josephs.
SPONSORS’S REVIEW CORNER
This newly-monikered section of the column is to remind you, dear reader, of our sponsors: Disney+ and R.J. Reynolds Company. Stream something fun to watch (just pick something who the hell cares) and view it through a window outside while you smoke a cigarette. I bet the juxtaposition will feel interesting. Try it! Okay that takes care of the sponsors.
Last week, my picks went a disastrous 1-4-0. I glossed over it in the previous post. It’s sufficient to simply say that I was way off. “Samsonite, I was way off!” Remember? From Dumb & Dumber? That was hilarious. Speaking of hilarious, despite last week’s awful showing we’re still 22-12-0 on the season. Let’s hope we get firmly back on the positive side of the tally this week. Thanks for reading this Picks & Previews & Review, brought to you by Disney+ and R.J. Reynolds. Your readership and how it has engendered the love simultaneously from Disney and a tobacco company mean the world to me. I recently got word that the Disney Board of Directors (henceforth Diz Folks) wasn’t thrilled by being associated with a tobacco company on the world’s most widely-read gridiron football blog (this blog, in case you didn’t know). But them’s the breaks, Diz Folks. Just business. Thanks again for reading, gang! Auf Wiedersehen!
