Michael
Writes the Lions.
Used to Think the Reindeer’s Name was Blitzin’
WEEK SIXTEEN PICKS: WHY’D THE KID FROM “A CHRISTMAS STORY” SO SPECIFICALLY AND VEHEMENTLY DISLIKE A FOOTBALL AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT? IT’S NOT A TERRIBLE GIFT. IT’S A FINE GIFT. SHEESH. I MEAN, I GET THAT HE REALLY WANTED THE BB GUN BUT HE ACTED LIKE RECEIVING A FOOTBALL WOULD BE LIKE GETTING KICKED IN […]
The Holiday Seizin’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wS-k66MKgs What a great matchup this week between the Bills and our beloved Leos. I remember when things were really bad for the Lions, many seasons in a row I’d vocally express the sentiment, “I just want them playing meaningful games late in the season.” And honestly, the fact that we’re solidly in that place […]
How Bizarre
Last week’s picks were a stupendously, laughably successful conundrum. First, the obvious: it feels good to get off the schneid, picks-wise. 5-0 weeks don’t just fall around all over the place like leaves. Until last week, we haven’t had the 5-0 magic yet this year, but it all came together and now we’re playing it […]
Banditos, Refreshments
When the Lions would stink in the past, the T-Bird (Thanksgiving, keep up) Game often became The Season, mostly because we were often well out of the running by around Halloween. This game was often the only game most of NFL fandom even bothered to pay attention to. There was a short while where the […]
Pet Food Ads Can Get Very Guilt Trip-y
Like every other week this year, time was at a a premium this week. But the good news is that there’s a space in time for the staff here to write an extensive T-Bird preview. Until then, behold the picks for Week Twelve (Side note: I’d very much enjoy it if “duzz” one day becomes […]
Entr’acte 2024 NFL Season
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R6W4eGak50 Well, it’s officially the start of the second half, the second act. Let’s get it right on the picks side. First half summary: wrong on a lot, perhaps even most, kinda right on only a little. Short time today. Picking only the biggies this week. Picks are as follows. WEEK ELEVEN PICKS: GIVE MY […]
No Diggity
Writing from the road this week. Fun circumstances lead to the rare Sunday roadie, but I think I’ll be back home in time to watch the Leos game against the hard-to-figure Texans in the Sunday nighter. No time for opening salvos, straight to the slap-up: WEEK TEN: BY NO MEANS AVERAGE Last Week: 2-3-0, Season: […]
You Could Make A Killing
***SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Vote. VOTE!! Failing to vote is not only an ignorant and self-destructive behavior, it’s an insult to our ancestors. Voting is a hallowed privilege and should be treated with diligence and reverence. Please make sure you vote. Do it early at your convenience or do it Tuesday, but it’s very important that you […]
Wonder Wall
I try really hard to not be, as all-time underrated Detroit sports radio personality Sean Baligian used to put it, a “slappy”. I love the Lions, but I try hard to ensure that I’m never wearing the proverbial blinders when it comes to looking at them objectively. I’ll fully admit it’s a somewhat arrogant, elitist, […]
Sunday Buddy Sunday
There are some doozies this week. Some real doozerinos. We’ll get to the picks. Not much else; once again, very little time to spend doing anything resembling a deep-dive. What I will touch on briefly is how the Lions single-handedly redefined the term “Pyrrhic victory” during their absolute stomping of the Cowboys down in Dallas. […]
Time, Why You Punish Me?
I’m not managing my time well. My half-bungling of life’s circumstances is preventing me from writing more. But I’m still getting the picks in. I think I’ll be able to bring more heat next week. Until then… WEEK SIX PICKS: CAN YOU TEACH ME ‘BOUT TOMORROW Last Week: 2-3-0, Season: 14-11-0, Lifetime: 69-41-3 Texans (-6.5) […]
Ain’t No Lie: Baby, Bye Bye Bye
First, the obvious: last year’s Lions had their bye during Week Nine. So, so much better than this year’s occurring in Week Five. Granted, we’re not fully healthy right now and could use the rest. But after this week it’s 13 straight weeks of games. The Lions will tell you until they’re Honolulu blue in […]
Go Ask Alice When She’s Kinda Tall
As the semi-cryptic lyrical title of this shortest-ever post suggests, we’re running kind of late. No time for reflection this week, other than to say the Lions were terrific in Week Three but I’m terrified of how banged up they are in trying to rid themselves of the very albatross-ian (in many ways) Seahawks in […]
Not Having Smarts Smarts
Dummkopf is German for idiot. The literal translation is “dumb head” but the practical translation is idiot. I make this differentiation because “dumb” is teetering on becoming unusable because these days due to us becoming (I would argue rightfully) more sensitive to marginalized communities. Specifically in this case, the community of people who are unable […]
First Week Since The First Week
This is gonna be relatively short because the entire staff here is very tired from a very busy week. Indeed, press time for our Week Two column is barely gonna make it onto the Internet before the 13:00 EDT kickoffs. Let’s talk about the interval between Week One and Week Two in the NFL. There […]
…and We’re Back!
Woo-hooooo!!! Golly does it feel great to be back in the ol’ writing chair — and this particular writing chair to boot; a corner table at my favorite nearby Dunky’s where I’ve got a Boston Cream (I think they call it Kreme because the filling doesn’t contain an atom of dairy), a French Cruller and […]
Tigers Opening Day 2024
12:59 EDT — Welcome back! In our first baseball post, we’re gonna revert to the tried ‘n’ true Running Diary format and chronicle the hot-starting Detroit Tigers in their home opener against the Oakland A’s. 13:01 — Just a big glass of water and some Snyder’s of Hanover twists on deck to carry us through […]
I Thought There’d Be More
In Richard Linklater’s 2014 movie Boyhood, there’s a scene where the boy is leaving home and his mom Patricia Arquette isn’t handling it perfectly. He’s excited to be growing up and she’s realizing that not only is a major part of her life over, but she’s now gone through most of life’s major milestones. “The […]
If I Had My Druthers
One of my favorite SNL parodies, borne out of the fact that I had a genuine fondness for the source material, was the late, great Norm MacDonald’s impression of Larry King doing a live reading of his weekly USA Today column, which King would weirdly sometimes do on his own show? Of that, I’m not […]
The Lions Season & Joe Pera — Part Two
At the firm insistence of my editors, I submitted the Lions/Joe Pera Season 1 comparison article for the Pulitzer, the Schmulitzer (which is like a Pulitzer but it’s only voted on by ordained rabbis) and even the Who? Litz?-er, the award for articles written by people who are acquainted with people who’ve kinda forgotten the […]
Reviewing My Early Predictions
Everyone who ever picks/predicts games and publishes those picks should have a year-in-review column that takes into account how they did. This should be federal law, and violation of it should be punished corporally like how Singapore does it if you spit gum on the street. Is that still a thing? If it’s not, then […]
SB LVIII: Me Conjecturae
Regular Season: 55-31-3 Playoffs: 7-5-0 There are two mostly defunct vernaculars being used in the same column title. Roman numerals, obviously. But I think the world would be a better place if we brought those back a little more often. They’re only mildly arcane and esoteric, people’d get used to ’em. And they’re fun. The […]
Hope def. Sad, Retains Title
Regular Season: 55-31-3 Playoffs: 7-5-0 Preface: my preferred milieu for writing these is a public library. Downriver Detroit has three terrific public libraries within easy driving distance for your boy, but times getting harder has made the few local libraries noticeably busier and there’s been a subsequent increase in general library loudness. I don’t begrudge […]
Playing for the Conference Championship
The 1998 dram-rom-com Sliding Doors is a terrible movie with a great premise. It’s like the Purge franchise all rolled into one forgettable Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle. The great premise of which I speak springs from its use of alternate realities some time before that concept became the ubiquitous pop culture touchstone (perhaps crutch) that it […]
Divisional Weekend: Raised Beefs, Higher Stakes
Regular Season: 55-31-3 Playoffs: 3-3-0 Back in the day, people listened to radio. Nowadays people might meander into an area where radio is within earshot, or their phone hasn’t synced with their car yet. That’s about it. But I swear it’s true that back in the day people used to listen to the radio a […]
Clinically Insane Card Weekend
Last Week: 2-3-0 Regular Season Final Record: 55-31-3 I’m going to write this next paragraph in my best impression of Hemingway. The weather’s turned frozen and windy. It feels like I need to at least feign some barrel-chestedness. And there’s thematic motifs throughout Hemingway’s work that jibe with a lot of storylines in this first […]
Regular Season’s End
Last Week: 4-1-0 Season: 53-28-3 First of all, Happy New Year! I hope the entire holiday season was terrific for you and your loved ones. DIG IT: we have arrived at the end of the regular season. Still a couple playoff spots up for grabs and all but the top seeds remain like global geopolitics: […]
Week 17: That of Fine Doldrums
Last Week: 2-2-1 Season: 49-27-3 Doldrums, in the tall ship-era maritime sense, were bummers. Couldn’t get going! Those old sailors needed strong, sustained, dynamic winds with powerful gusts to get the ship moving. Those weak doldrums didn’t cut the mustard so they just drifted about, sometimes going mad. Those are some bad doldrums! Doldrums need […]
Lions v. Vikes & other Week Sixteen Christmas Action
Last Week: 4-0-1 Season: 47-25-2 Merry Christmas to my fellow C-Sweet (I’m workshopping “C-Sweet” in an attempt to manufacture a Christmas equivalent of T-Bird) celebrants and a Happy Holidays to all during this glorious time of year. It’s weird, very non-Christmas weather down here in southeastern Michigan right now. Very wet, highs in the upper […]
Week Fifteen: SNL (Lions) (Also, the “N” could be for “Nervous”) (“S” remains “Saturday”)
Last week: 3-2-0 Season: 43-25-1 Two fantastic (in the literary sense of the word, it seems unlikely they’re ‘fantastic’ like they’re good at all) openers tonight. Opener #1: (Don Pardo voice) It’s Sssaturday Nnight Llliions! Starring Alex Anzalone! Brian Branch! Jahmyr Gibbs! Jared Goff! Aidan Hutchinson! Amon-Ra St. Brown! Musical guest… we rap “Lose Yourself” […]
Week Fourteen: Less than Lukewarm
Sadly, this is is gonna be quick-hit picks again. Though maybe that’s all for the better. It was only by sheer insanity that I limped to a 2-3-0 record last week, bringing the season record to 40-23-1. The record isn’t bad, but it somehow feels difficult to celebrate. The same can be said for the […]
Week Thirteen: A Lucky, Cozy Week
I’m typing this on a roadie, watching CBS Sunday Morning, its familiar opening trumpet a welcome friend in weather so dreary even coffee and donuts can’t overcome its affects. Foggy is cool. But foggy when it’s sprinkling precip? Nah. That’s dreary. Keep that foolery in England. Let’s talk about the games as these segments of […]
T-Bird & Week Twelve
Happy T-Bird! T-Bird is how a good friend of mine in college once referred to Thanksgiving. It was one of the best things I’ve ever heard and I’ve appropriated it for myself every year since. I don’t claim it, I give the friend full credit if anyone asks, I just don’t want to blow up […]
Week Eleven Preev — Life Finds A Way
Life finds a way… to get in the way of posting on your best-in-class blog just as it’s getting really fun. A new job with a truly wacky commute has decimated my availability of free time and free brain. Column length will decrease, maybe that’s a positive. But column frequency might also decrease, especially the […]
Week Ten Preev & Mid-Season Power Rankings
As you can see (twice) above, these are the Mid-Season Power Rankings, brought you by Mrs. Dash. “Mrs. Dash: now THERE’S some mid seasoning!” Mid-Season, “mid season”. Get it? Thank you. If you got it, thank you. Just for the record, this isn’t really brought to you by Mrs. Dash. It was supposed to be […]
R.J. Reynolds and Disney+ present: Week 9 Pickstravaganza
The coffee shop I’m in has Katrina & The Waves’s 1985 hit ‘Walking on Sunshine’ playing as I walk in. Something about how brassy the horns sound in the call-and-answer part where she’s singing, “..and don’t it feel good?”; this is probably the least shy song of all time. It must’ve required confidence to release […]
Runnin’ Diary 8 — Lions v. Raiders
19:37 EDT (btw, last DT for a while, next diary will start in Standard Time. This is the first football blog that gives Daylight Savings Time end reminders. You’re welcome.) — Monday Night Football! Devil’s Night! What an exciting time to be a Lions fan. And it’s suddenly very chilly outside. Great football weather. Not […]
Week 8 Preev (sponsored by Disney+ and R.J. Reynolds)
We’re gonna get looser with the format and the flow this week. No outlining, no forethought of any kind, nothing resembling a through line; just stream of consciousness expressed in writing. Pod F. Tompkast opening segment-style riff-o-rama. No thinking, just reacting. That’s how I want the team to play so this is an effort to […]
Psych Check: Weekend of Carnage; or, Look How They Massacred My Boy(s)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxnACoCsais This weekend sucked so hard I’m gonna get extremely verbose. I’m diving deep into the noggin for this shit. Need to. Gotta get it out. Dense, sesquipedalian-laden esoterica is to me what dancing in a factory is to Ren McCormack in Footloose. Without further ado, cue up the song ‘Never’ by Moving Pictures and […]
Week Seven Preview (presented by Disney+ and R.J. Reynolds)
What an interesting week. Even in comparison to the very interesting times in which we generally live, brothers and sisters and everyone, this was a week. Nice but weird to know that we can rely on football to keep chugging along. Nice, because football rules and it’s fun. Weird, because sometimes one can feel like a […]
Running Diary 6 — Lions v. Buccaneers
16:17 EDT — Eating some pre-game crow as FOX is showing bonus coverage of the Browns easily covering their line against the Niners, which I most assuredly said would not happen. They’re about to take the lead outright. I hope I wasn’t as hugely wrong about the Lions. 16:19 — No snackage. Went to a […]
Week Six Preview (brought to you by Disney+)
For a lot of people, for a lot of reasons, the greatest season is fall. It even gets a fancier name. Autumn. I’m in this camp. I like fall the most. It feels a bit like Superman being your favorite superhero; y’know how sometimes it can feel just a little dorky to really be super […]
The 2023 Detroit Lions & Joe Pera Talks With You
In the spring of 2018, Adult Swim premiered what is, in my mind, the best television show they’ve ever produced: Joe Pera Talks With You. The shortest description of the show is “quirky funny”. It rapidly but smoothly vacillates between heartfelt earnestness and comedic absurdity. The main character, Joe Pera, was a fictionalized version of […]
Running Diary 5 — Lions v. Panthers
12:29 EDT — I don’t even know which Lion player was being interviewed (I’m listening to FM 97.1 in lieu of FOX audio), but when asked what he felt was the key to the game, he said, “We just gotta hone in on the details.” Hone in. Hone. In. What a terrific omen. I know […]
Week 5 Preview (Presented by Disney+)
I sing to myself when I do chores. Probably has something to do with growing up sans siblings. I’m in no rush to analyze it. I sing to myself and it’s almost never the real lyrics. I’ll just spout nonsense or fashion some lyrics into inane comments on whatever situation’s at hand. Is this insane? […]
Psych Check — “These Days”
I don’t date/time stamp my posts. I would, and I mostly like it when other websites do it. As long as I’ve been on the internet, I know stuff is archived permanently in one form or another, but hard-dating something can contribute to it feeling ephemeral, like a day’s newspaper. And I wanted this blog […]
Running Diary 4 — Lions v. Packers
20:07 EDT — The first of two Thursday games against the Packers! Live on Amazon Prime Video (full disclosure: this website features a weekly column sponsored by Disney+). Not much time for pregame preamble, as I’m a “Jeopardy!” man. Let’s go quickly. 1) Al and Kirky Herb seem to be in fine form, doing the […]
Lions v. Packers & more Week 4 — Presented by Disney+
Before I begin, huge announcement: we’ve sold out. Figuratively. The weekly Previews & Picks column is now sponsored by none other than Disney+. I know! I was surprised too. Why would the streaming arm of the planet’s foremost media conglomerate even agree to this, let alone proactively seek out such a bizarre and unequal business […]
Running Diary 3 — Lions v. Falcons
11:38 EDT — This could be a turning point in the season and the Lions seem like they need to prove their mettle in a contest against a squad for whom things are going right. This game, potentially crucial down the line, would go a long way towards building the Lions’s own confidence in their […]
Week 3 Preview: The F Word!
This article is rated Internet-MALSV for language, sex and violence. Nah, I’m just kidding about the sex and violence, but I’m gonna type the f-word a few times. Reader discretion advised. The late, great writer Tom Wolfe had a lot of cool. Most people would cite his sartorial elegance as the prime example. He dressed […]
Running Diary 2 — Lions v. Seahawks
No matter how many times I settle in for some NFL football, before the game I’ll always hear Hank Williams Jr. for a few seconds in my head, asking me if I’m indeed ready to do so. I answer, also in my head: Yes, I am ready, thank you. 12:24 EDT — Let’s set the […]
Preview: Lions v. Seahawks (& Week Two)
Science is a religion. It’s unlike the institutions that come to mind when you think of traditional, mainstream, organized religions, but it’s a religion. Its dogma isn’t primarily formed by faith-requiring narratives and what authoritative code it does have is comparatively truncated; the basic tenets are 1) the notions that questions can be answered with […]
Psych Check: Pre-Week Two
“So, how are we feeling about this?” I don’t like when the question “How are you feeling?” is expressed with this syntax. It seems like it’s a tactic, and one frequently deployed by people in sales. “How are we feeling about the 3-piece contemporary?” is how a furniture salesperson would ask you if you liked […]
Running Diary 1 — Lions v. Chiefs
Welcome to the season’s first Running Diary! No ceremony necessary, let’s get to it. 19:02 EDT — an hour and 18 minutes before the alleged kickoff time, I try to see if the NBC pre-game show is worth switching over from The Office reruns on Comedy Central. It’s the one where Dwight goes way overboard […]
Preview: Lions v. Chiefs (& Week One)
At long last, we’re here. I mean “at long last” in the general, IRL sense; there’s no “at long last” relative to the life of this really, really excellent Detroit Lions blog. It’s only been around for a short time. At long last in the sense of relative IRL time, we’re here. Week One! We’re […]
Predictions: Lions, players, et al.
It’s a testament to the NFL’s ability to stoke anticipation that, despite my team having no chance at glory for many consecutive years, opening weekend has nevertheless excited me to an almost festive degree. This year, my team doesn’t suck! The excitement is higher. I won’t belabor the point, suffice it to say I’m arranging […]
Primer: The Curse of Lake Erie (& Hope)
The murky, shallow, greenish-blue waters of Lake Erie have special properties. In some cases, like with walleye or perch or tubing off the back of your friend’s dad’s boat, they enhance. They augment a greatness that was already there. But as it relates to professional football success, Lake Erie is an aquatic black hole. There […]
Whaddup Doe
Lions blog from a Detroit Lions lifer.
Running diaries the morning after.
Previews & prognostication.
Fan & Team Psych Checks.
Other Assorted Musings.
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As objective as possible. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯